You guys are so great. It helps SO much to read what you write. Just knowing I'm not ALONE with it and someone "gets" it, you know?

So, I went to therapy. T asked how I was doing. I said I was tired (I didn't sleep much last night) and really scared. He said he's not angry. I asked him why he didn't leave a message, and he said that he thought I said to leave a message if he was angry, and he wasn't angry, so he didn't leave one. I BURST into tears - like big, sobbing, little kid tears - and hid my face in the pillow and cried. And cried and cried.

We talked some about what it all brought up for me...the old stuff of "knowing too much" (ugh) and current stuff. I told him that I feel OVERWHELMED by how much I don't know about how to be an adult. People always think I'm WAY younger than I am, and I know part of it is that I'm small and look young, but I think part of it is not knowing how to be an adult. We talked about that a little. He said that we had so CLEARLY turned the page in therapy, that there was this obvious break between the first couple of years of therapy and now...and we talked about the foundation I had built with all of the work we did. And I know that's true, but I told him it kind of feels like I JUST walked in the door and said "I need help with some situations in my life"..like we're starting over, almost. Although the trust and attachment is there and that's huge.

ANYHOW, back to what I told him. He said that every time we have a rupture, or go through something hard between us together, that he feels that we come out of it with a stronger, more intimate relationship. He said that's how this feels. And he said that if anything, he trusts me MORE than he did before, because he could see how I felt about crossing the boundary. He also said that to HIM, it wasn't really crossing a boundary, but another therapist might feel differently.

I asked him to sit with me at the end and he held my hand. I just sat there and soaked up the safety and the quiet and the connection for a while, and then he told me a funny story about a group he's in. It was good.

I feel like everything inside has been in SUCH an upheaval and it will take a little time for it to quiet back down. I'm trying really hard to not listen to the "I'm stupid" loop that's playing over and over in my head. I'm trying to be as okay with myself as T is with me. It's not easy.

THANK YOU for helping me through this. I don't know how I would have made it through it without PC