Sorry you felt "in the middle" -- lost... that sucks.
I've not heard of "The Lost Child"... I'll have to look that up-- thank you.

Yea, like you quoted me-- I have talked to T. about it. I, as well as she, think it is paramount to my struggles.

Not even taking into account what the parents abuse did(that's another whole story!)-- It gives a six year old a message when her 25 year old sister is slapping and hitting her, when her 24 year old sister is taking the second youngest(3 years my senior) on trips and she never got to go, not ever. That same year the 18 year old sister, who was the "mother" figure to me-- got married and moved 1200 miles away. I thought, in my child brain, that if I was more perfect I would not be slapped and I'd get to go places..... teachers would say how they forgot I was even in their class, I was always so quiet and never caused any trouble. ... i tried so hard to be perfect but it never would matter at home. The sister, three years my senior, was very abusive to me and since she was the favored one-- no one else cared, they valued her so so much.
The littlest one meant- the insignificant one-- anything happening was insignificant-- no matter what it was.... a gun to my back, or being held daily against my will for months, or being slapped, being verbally abused... it was all insignificant because I was so little.

I'm nervous around people, especially if it's more than one-to-one. I fear making any mistake will take people caring away from me. I've quit jobs every time I make any mistake(I've had more than 20+ jobs)-- even a tiny mistake. (which I don't know what a "tiny" mistake is-- T. has told me those-- they all seem so HUGE to me) I'm trying to understand how I matter as much as others, as I deny myself care to tend to others- no matter how bad I might need care. I'm told I let others use, and abuse me-- but-- as bad as that is-- it's what I know.......being the youngest, the most insignificant.

fins