Day 10

Well, today was the final day of partial for me. It was hard just knowing that I wouldn't be back for a while, but at the same time there was something empowering in it. We are still a little sui, but we have Bert on Friday and our case manager is coming on Thursday. We have to be strong, even though we feel so weak right now. The classes were on Attachment, Boundaries and Anger Management. Because I couldn't participate in Anger Management, I just watched. I was very much in tune to my anger, but it didn't seem that I could access the pain enough to be able to deal with it. Maybe I am not strong enough to be able to deal with anger now. I don't know. All I know is that I felt like I was being shoved out the door. I know that isn't how it was, but it felt like that. And as I sit home today, I feel like I have failed to accomplish what I went in there for. Except that we did meet an alter that we really didn't know before. We knew her name but she usually didn't venture out of her room, so we didn't get to know her before. I am very frightened right now, because I feel I have let myself be in a position of vulnerability and am powerless to stop it right now. I am very scared, and unable to hang on to keep my head above water. I don't know which way to turn. I am feeling as if whatever I do will be the wrong thing. Oh why did I even go in the first place? Now things are cracked, open and bleeding. I definitely did NOT need this to happen. It feels as though I am going crazy. And that is not a good place to be. Tears seem to be non-existent at this point in time. I just don't know where or what to do to tap into those things that are buried within. Do I even want to be cognizant of that? Right now the answer is NO. I don't even want to start. There is too much that needs to be recovered, too much that needs to be uncovered. I am not strong, and too needy. I am too scared right now, so I will write more later.