Reposting here from my website because I'm likely to get more feedback here. My website isn't as interactive as I would like it to be.


I've been trying to keep it positive here, and lately the result is that I don't talk about much of the stuff that is actually happening in my life. I don't know why I'm doing that. Maybe I think that you don't want to read about all the stuff that isn't positive (but then, people keep watching the news so maybe there are some holes in that theory). And there is also the possibility that you wouldn't believe me anyway if I really told you everything that has happened within just a few months.


I think that maybe it started back in May when I started getting to attend trainings and workshops and classes through my Head Start job. I enjoy learning and being in class and having the opportunity to hear new ideas and talk to people about my ideas, so that was really cool. Some of the workshops and trainings were out of town. There was one in Salt Lake City, and another in Westminster, Colorado. You know what? I found out that I like travelling too. Being out of town at a workshop was a chance to either meet up with people I know whom I don't get to see very often, and also to meet new people. And it was a vacation from the regular grind at home. I've been experiencing burn-out with one of my jobs, probably since around April. I had gotten past the level where I was comfortable with what I do, and needed more challenge, more responsibility, and more recognition of my potential to do more. But nothing changed even though I asked about promotions to other positions and was told that I was being considered. To be honest, I was offered a full-time position on salary there and it would have been M-F 8-4. But it was a secretarial job and that isn't what I want to do, and it also would have meant giving up Head Start. I have had two employers in my life that respected me and acted like they appreciated me. Head Start is one of them, and I was not willing to give that up. Anyway, I noticed that I could function normally at everything, as long as I got away from it, meaning out of town, for at least half a week every other week or so. But alas, I don't get to go away that often, and I don't think that needing a vacation quite that much in order to be able to function is a very good sign.


My plans have always included continuing my education, so where this took me was the realization that that is something I need to get with and do something about. Recognizing the difficulty of commuting to even the nearest psychology doctoral programs, even if I did manage to be accepted, and that after going though the application for admission process and waiting for an answer and for the new year to begin, the soonest that I could even start would be Fall 2006, I started looking into other possibilities. These other possibilities included distance and online program, and I found the one that I am starting now at the University of Phoenix. I still might apply to doctoral programs, but I'm not sure that I could handle waiting and stagnating for another year before being able to start on something, so I'm glad that this program is here, and accepted me.

So far it sounds like mostly good things, right? This is where the message from the universe suspicions come in.

In July, my husband, had a heart attack. It was the day after I had come back from being out of town somewhere, so I was available to take him to the hospital, and he has come through it well. But our copays added up to $2500, the maximum that we can be required to pay in medical expenses for one person, and then the year for that started over, and followup and medications and things will continue to add up through this year.

In August I was assaulted by one of the girls at work, and I missed two weeks of work because of it. I never was really good at remembering names, but my memory has been worse since the head injury. When I came back, I had no memory of new girls or staff who had started soon before I left, and it's hard to keep straight who is who, not only at work. I had mixed feelings about going back there. Once I had started to feel better, I enjoyed having a little bit of time on my hands. I can't say that I was afraid to go back to work, but I had a vague feeling of dread about being there, and even recently I wake up in the morning on days when I have to go to that job (even if not until afternoon or even night) already dreading it and even sometimes ready to cry. More recently, I asked about the possibility of promotions or raises, and was told that not only did I always seem stressed, but also I was too old for teenage girls to build relationships with, and I ought to find another job.

Then there were the car problems. First I went out to start my truck to go to work, and it threw a rod. That truck is too old to be worth putting another engine in, so it's dead. We were starting to get used to sharing the van as our only vehicle, when on the way home that night that I had been told I was too old to work with adolescents, I was upset and distracted, didn't see a stopsign, and wrecked the van. It was totaled, and we only had liability. I was the only one injured in the accident, and I just had to get stitches where my teeth went all the way through my lower lip. We maxed out the credit card to get a used car that would get us around (I was excited that it got great gas mileage!), and on the way to class in St. George yesterday it broke down and was pouring out transmission fluid all over the road. Back to no vehicles again.

Other miscelaneous things from the last couple of months include that my grandfather died (I have been meaning to post some of the pictures and things that he and my granmother sent Jonathan for his Flat Stanley project, and I just haven't quite gotten there yet), Jonathan put beads in his ear and got them stuck and didn't tell us until a month later after it was infected, Carol decided to cut her own hair (she made bangs - they are not even and already too short so not much can be done to fix it, but she thinks it looks good), Tiger disappeared, one of the neighborhood feral cats showed up on our front porch injured and gangrenous and we had to take him to be put to sleep, not to mention little things like the washing machine breaking down and most of our plumbing turning up with problems. I'm probably forgetting something.

Sorry about all the venting - I guess I'm hoping that maybe if I acknowlege all this stuff, that can be all of it and it can stop now.

I'm just wondering if the universe is trying to deliver some huge message that we are too dense to pick up on. Like, maybe, I'm wrong to try to go back to school again. Maybe I ought to just stay home and not try to go anywhere. I wouldn't be happy that way, but if I stick my nose out the door, something is going to slap it back. What do you think?