we are so tired of life...there seems to be no end to the stuff that is being thrown at us from some unknown area--we can't tell where--and it is driving us down more and more. we are unable to be safe wherever we go, and need to rejuvenate our strengths...

life is a grind right now, something that we don't think we can stand, but know we must, because we can't let them think they have won should we wind up in a psych ward somewhere. for us, those places are not for us, even though the best one in the state is here and we attended our partial there. we miss seeing comp every day, and hope she is doing better. something that keeps playing in our mind over and over is a scene in Girl Interrupted that the new girl on the ward had to learn is to not drop her anchor in the ward. we know what that means, and during the movie we relived some of the awful things that went on when we were in there when we were a teen. it wasn't fun then, and it isn't fun now thinking about it.

life is a heartache as well, because we broke our heart in there too often and it is difficult even to talk about. we know that we shouldn't base all our hope for success in the ones who run the hospital, or even in our T. we KNOW that we need to figure out how to be self-sufficient, even though we don't know how to do that yet. and we know we must find our way in the world if we are to know how to survive. but we don't know HOW to do that, and our soul cries with no respite. we do not have outside tears, but inside we weep as if there were no tomorrow. huge tears of pain roll down the walls of our heart, and leave us gasping for breath because of the immensity of pain it causes us.

is there truly no one who understands the pain we know? or is it more that there are many who do understand, yet do not know how to express their pain, or who cannot dare to dream that things could get better? this is not a witchhunt, neither is it a banging against hearts to see if they are within, but it does touch peoples' insides, regardless of whether they want to admit it or not. there is a need inside of us that wants to reach out, but something keeps us from doing so to others. whether it is fear, or pain and suffering, we do not know. we just know that within is pain and suffering and fear and trembling. inside us it lurks around, trying to hypnotize and paralyze us before we can even think about freedom.

we are definitely heading toward something HUGE. we do not know or understand what it is, whether it be good or bad, we just know it is something that defies description. we are waiting to see just what it is, but we are afraid as well, since we know we cannot stand up to it right away. we will need help, especially from our T and case manager, to travel the unforeseen. and we will need you. immensely important are you to our travels. because you have helped us so much in the past. we hope you will help us again. we so much want to be in a position to help you too. because we think that in order to get better, we must use everyone's advice, counsel and affirmations. which you have given to us. we thank you for all your patience and help and hope you have given us. we just hope that we are not a burden to anyone.