I'm having another not so good day today, it's like I'm slowly going insane from my loneliness, rejection and continual failing.
I have been waiting for my job program to sort some stuff out, it is the end of my program and I am either going to be put back onto this program (which is what I am PRAYING for) or I am going to be moved onto yet another program where I have to start all over again. This process has been taking forever, weeks and weeks, and in that time I haven't really been able to look for work so much because if I found something during this time then I wouldn't get the help and support I need. Well it's been driving me bonkers so I decided to just look anyway, and I found that some jobs I have been waiting for were finally available, but I missed out on applying by 3 weeks. I am absolutely devastated and fuming, I sent my coordinator an email asking what the hell is going on with my program because I want a job now.

Then I went to check the mail today and someone I know is on the front page of the local newspaper because she's just so successful and, I don't know, has a God damn LIFE. I can't even look at it, I just feel like more of a failure.

My grandparents and cousin who lives with them have been trying to call me, but I'm still hiding from them. It's taken me a week to get the courage to reply to my cousins email, I told her I wasn't doing well, but I didn't bother to go into the details of it. When I had breakdowns in the past I was obviously 'faking it for attention'. I remember when i was living with my auntie and I could hear her telling another relative to just ignore me crying because I was doing it for attention.

And I still have hardly heard from any friends, when I get worked up I have a habit of getting ranty at friends, I am so very tempted right now to tell one friend that I'm annoyed that he hasn't bothered to contact me once since I told him I was really down and lonely and needed to see people a few weeks ago. Not ONCE has he sent me a message or called me to see how I'm going. I haven't even seen him in ages. I just want to tell him that if he's not going to see me once in a while and all our friendship is going to be from now on is talking on the computer, then I don't want to speak to him at all because I'm sick of that kind of friendship.
It's just this back and forth thinking, I want to see someone because I'm so lonely, but I want to attack them for giving me a reason to feel lonely in the first place.

You know lately, when I get really worked up I get nervous falling asleep because I think I might die while I'm sleeping. The only reason I stress about that is because I have pets, and if I died nobody would know about it for weeks and my pets would starve. Otherwise, I probably wouldn't care so much.