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Bobbi I am so sorry that you're going through this. I am very familiar with a similiar situation, I grew up with it. When my father finally got help no one believed that he had a problem (how could he, they matched him drink for drink) and the idea that he could be abusive was so impossible.
He was able to maintain his "calm, cool, collected" appearance in public no matter what the situation. Even when someone went out of their way to antagonize him, he was able to remain calm. It was only at home that the monster came out. Leave your jacket or shoes in the wrong spot, put the dishes away improperly, or he would simply imagine a dirty look and WATCH OUT.
You said in one of your posts that "I know it's my fault". There is nothing about your husband's problems that is your fault. His inability to deal with stress is his own issue, and sadly there is nothing you can do to help him with this. It's all on him. If he ever gets to the point that he gets help, you can support him (I would hope from afar) but he has to do the work. The best thing you can do for everyone is leave. Right now you've taken on the role of enabler/victim, don't let him drag you down again.
You found the wisdom and strength to leave before, do so now. Any of your family or friends that does not support this self preservation act can eat cake. You don't owe anyone an explanation. You mention that you feel too old to start over, a friend recently left his wife of SIXTY YEARS. He is in good health in body and mind, but decided that "he should be happy for the last years of his life." He packed his bags and left. He only took his own personal belongings. He didn't want to punish her, just finally have a life of his own. We were all shocked. I loved his wife. I always thought he lacked a personality, but it turns out that she rode rough shot over him for all of these years. I still adore his wife, she's never done anything to me, but now I enjoy his company as well. He has a sense of humor that I've never seen before.
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I've been married for 24 years and have four wonderful children.
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