Hello Everyone, First off....TY all for your advise!.. I know you are all wright. I took some time for myself and went and visited an Aunt that lives in the mountains. It's away from everything, no computer, no cell phone, no city noises. Just the amazing sounds and beauty of mother nature as it was ment to be.

I didn't want to leave....it was like living on another planet. I actually made some important decisions, and dealing with me, myslef, and I. I realized that I am happiest when I am alone, with no one else telling me what is right for me. What to do, to stop feeling......I need to stop doing for everyone around me and start taking care of me. I can handle being alone, what is scarry, is being on my own. The prospect is scarry and exciting at the same time. Thinking of not answering to anyone but myself, would have never crossed my mind before. But now I envy those who can do this.
So this is going to take time. To find a place that doesn't have a waiting list is impossible, so while I was away I put my name on a few list. A waiting period from 9 to 12 mos.
But this will give me enough time to get things in order. My H and I had a long talk, he actually asked me if I was leaving? I told him yes, I am making arrangements. ( I was scarred to death) But he said that he had a suspicion I was for a while now. (HMMM, made me wonder if this is why he started drinking again). But I talked myself out of self blame game!!! I told him that I haven't been happy with our relationship for many years, and that too much has happened to get it back. The love is gone! I know longer respect you, or trust you. Even worse is I feel the same way about myself.

All I have ever wanted was someone to respect me and love me enough to allow me to grow with them. Not to Stifle me, as they took everything I could give. To appreciate me and my efforts, to appreciate my intellegence and not take advantage of them, as if it is expected of me to do these things.... I do because I want to, not because you expect me too................It just seems to me that you are never satisfied with anything!!! The more you get the more you want, and I have nothing left to give. Except my life, and that is mine!!

That was basically what was said, I did most of the talking. He hung his head and walked away. I'm totally stunned! I wasn't angry, loud, or abusive. I was just calm and assertive. I finally got my point accross and didn't give him a chance to come back at me.

While I was gone he actually finished my bedroom closet. But I kinda expected him to do something like that. So I just said thank you and started filling it. He hasn't said another word. He did his own wash and made his own meals, but of course he didn't wash a single dish. But that is a pet peve of mine. Can't stand a dirty kitchen.

So now, comes the hard part. Living with him til it's time to go. I just need to remain strong moving forward. I'm going to need help with this my friends, thank you all, for your wise and comforting words. I've taken the first few steps. I'm on my way!