pach, i've finally had a chance to read through all 10 pages of this thread . i really wish i could help out by saying something useful, but i'm also worried it's going to be yet another thing that you feel is trying to push or pull or shape you in some way that you find hard to resist, and therefore need to put a lot of effort into resisting. i don't want to put you in that position...

and yet... (you didn't think i could really master self control, did you? )...

you posted earlier about your "ideal" sort of session - where it goes on for hours etc. i can't remember the specifics of it, and im too tired to go back and quote it properly now. so i'll just comment on it instead, without making any suggestions directly for you. this way it can be just a gentle "reflect and let go" type of comment, and you can do with it whatever you like.

someone recently started talking to me about meditation, going to formal classes for it etc. usually it is the sort of thing i'd dismiss outright, but because it was someone i was a bit involved with (heh, 'that boy') i didnt dismiss it outright. truth is, i meditate by myself every now and again, i'm just wary of going to a class where i'd feel exposed about that sort of thing. but i did look it up, just to see what stuff was around. and i found a particular type of meditiation - mindfulness or zazen meditation - that sounds remarkably similar to the style of therapy you described earlier. just that you don't have someone outside guiding you, it's something you do yourself. ive always done something similar myself, but reading it written out helped clarify what exactly i do, and what about it i found helpful. it's also given me some ideas on where i'd like to take it. e.g., there is a group that is quite close to me that does a session for 3hrs every friday night. they have a teacher who you can check in with, to discuss things that come up, or you can just go and do it by yourself. it's kind of about finding your own path, finding your own 'core'.

now, i havent gone to the classes, mainly because i'm scared about being vulnerable in a group and i find this stuff to be too intensely personal to even want to sit with others while i do the work myself. and also because it's within the buddhist tradition, and i'm resistant to wanting to add religion/spirituality into the package. but i have been practicing that particular form of meditation by myself for a bit now, and i do think it has helped me pull through the past few weeks. i'm still in a fump place, but at least i'm not dead, right (we shall see in the future if this is a good outcome or not )? but, for the moment, it's what keeps me going on. pdoc and austin-t aren't the right sort of help i need right now. i became disillusioned with the whole process when i needed them and neither of them were around. so it's back to just deli doing her deli thing. and this is the curious little path i'm currently exploring. even if it turns out to not work, at least it's something i've consciously chosen to have a look at, and it's something i only need myself for.

i find a great deal of comfort in only having to rely on myself. it's isolating, but comforting and safe.