FeelingSad, thanks a lot for your kind words, really appreciate it.

I don't want to hijack the thread though, I think the original poster is the one deserving of sympathy here right now. She must be feeling utterly dreadful, and I thought by sharing my perspective, it might make her realise that she's not to blame, but rather that her partner has a psychological problem. A problem that can be addressed if there's only willingness to recognise it and access to the right tools.

I would however love to carry on the conversation and reply to your questions. But if that's better done elsewhere in another thread, please let me know. I'm afraid I don't have too many answers yet though, it's quite a complicated thing to try and explain.

But in short, I always used to think that any emotion I felt was to be trusted, and was somehow a real indication of how I felt. So if I felt anxiety or pressure, or didn't wish to see my partner one day, I would take it as a sign that the relationship wasn't right. Or in the cases of panic, that I just had to remove myself from the situation in order to be able to live again.

The KEY insight has now been that some of these emotions are not what I truly feel, but rather my subconscious "relationship model" constantly throwing spanners in the works to try and prevent me from getting close. So the thing to do is to allow yourself to have these feelings, but keep doing the opposite of what they tell you.

I think it would take a VERY strong and determined partner to try and "fix" someone with my issues while in a relationship. I needed some very specific therapeutic advice to start to unravel this whole destructive mess of preconceptions and ideas.

By behaving like this, I have recently lost what with hindsight was the most amazing relationship I have ever had. We had exactly the kind of fantastic connection that lostandlonely describes, and I truly felt I loved this person. I did from the outset talk to her about my previous relationship problems and of what usually happens. She accepted this, and initially, things went really well.

But after about two and a half months, the intermittent anxiety that had been coming and going turned into constant angst and panicky feelings and I ended it just to be able to breathe. I was also hoping that we could continue seeing each other in some capacity as I still really, really liked her and knew I would miss her. Initially she took it well, and we discussed it amiably, but then things took a different turn and she felt the need to cut off in quite a harsh way. This made me really depressed, I didn't eat, couldn't focus on work and actually ended up in hospital one night after a strange physical reaction where I lost control of my body.

A few days later, I finally found the book that started to make me understand my behaviour. And through the tools it presented, it really made me understand that I truly loved my ex, and also made me see how I could deal with the anxiety the next time it arose. So I tried explaining all of this to her best I could, how I could change, and asked her if she was willing to give me a second chance, but unfortunately she said no.

Which is totally fair enough, and I respect her decision. But that doesn't stop me from feeling great loss, and great sadness over having messed up something that was so beautiful. We're now having a complete break and it's been tough.

I'm sorry about the long post, and for hijacking the thread here, but it sounds like a very similar situation to the one the original poster described, and maybe it could hopefully at least help to shed some light on the situation.