Hello there,

English is not my native language (dutch is) so please dont be to harsh on my grammar.

So this is really hard to explain, I am a 22year old guy 6,4ft and i have a athletic build. I mention this since everyone who i meet tell me i look handsome. I know this sounds cocky i and i hate people who tell this sort of stuff, my apologies for this. I find it necessary that you know this. I am very confident and am not scared of anything, which is also a concern.

I reflect on my life allot from even the smallest decisions, like: What should i eat today? I can think on this for several minutes, and i way out the pro's and cons between my food options. I have always let other people decide what i should do, since i really dont care what the outcome is going to be.

I see myself in bad daylight, i dont compliment myself, which makes me proud. I dress well, and i exercise allot to be in top physical shape because i find it my duty as a human being to do so. I always like to say to myself "you dont need any excuses to sit in front of the T.V for hours on end, and you are telling me you cant do 30min of exercises per day?" I Haven been applying this for several years now, and i have only NOT done my daily workout routine 7times in 5years.

Also i live by my ideologies, nobody can change my mind on things. I find that if you compromise on anything in your life you should be ashamed.

I have always applied these things and many more to my life, in order to live a highly disciplined lifestyle. I have allot of people who like me, and who look up to me. Strange thing also is that i can pick out people who are not trustworthy instantly from large crowds.

So with this info i hope you have a small idea of what kind of person i am.

NOW for the main question: Why dont i feel love?

For as long as i can remember my father and my mother have been hating each other. And large parts of my childhood consist of my mother being drunk, and my father shouting at my mother or the other way around. My father always avoided hitting my mother by going to bed early. So my mother would drink untill the early morning, after which she would strumble her way to her bed. I think i can say there was 0 affection in my family. I also have a brother who i dont find worth mentioning, we always fought (all 22 years, verbal, and physical) I respect him for being a hard worker and a strong man. I can sense he deals with the same problems i am having.

I also have been lied to for many years, my mother would always tell things about my father. He did this, he is a piece of ****, and she would prettymuch blame him for the bad things in her life. I believed this untill the age of 12 or 13.

I knew then what a alcoholic was and i often thought my mother was one. The MOST memorable thing for me whas the day that i asked my mother (i asked here at least 500times or more) if she had been drinking during the day. She told me no, No, No i havent i havent been drinking for a week now. While saying this she tried to lean against the doorpost but failed because she ...was simply to drunk, and i knew this. And so did my father who always worked from 06:00 till 21:00. He knew all along that she did stuff behind his back and he pretended he didnt know about it...Or at least he did not show it to us.

I can go on, and on about my past. But i find that irrelevant, to myself, I am a strong man now and nobody messes with me. I actually hear people say "MAN! I would like to know how you are when you are angry" Why i do not know.. . i AM a very emotional guy, when it comes to opinions.

Also, i have never had a girlfriend in my entire life...MANY girls always tell me, that i am a player. I always tell them i am not but they fail to believe me, and the same goes for me. How can they say such a thing while not even knowing me? I have never felt anxious around woman and i never try to impress them (why?>) I am just nice to them and get on with my business. I found myself going to a bar a while back with the thought tonight ill bring a girl back home. I sat at the bar, talked to the bartender and thought to myself: "What am i doing? who am i kidding? what do you need a girl for? tHEY ONly bring trouble" " No money, no honey" (also i dont think in acquisitive terms, which leaves me thinking in experiences rather than in "having" something for the sake of having it.) So i went back home and watched some tv, scolding myself and telling myself that if you want to be free and live life to the fullest you do not need a woman.

Also kinda strange is that if i DO feel for the opposing sex i check internetporn, masturbate, and after doing so i instantly lose all interest in the opposing sex...

I have not hugged my father for about 8 years, my mother the same, and my brother i have only hugged when i was crying sitting behind a giant vase while my parents where fighting and throwing plates through the house (i was 5 and my brother conforted me he is 3 years older than me.) (Even now i am tearing up just thinking of this.)

I love tattoo and have around $24.000 dollars worth of tattoo's on my body. I currently plan on working here in hanoi vietnam. In order to kitesurf a bit, and get a mayor backpiece done.

So what is wrong with me, why does everyone keep telling me i am such a nice guy, and a handsome man, I apparently have 20 girlfriends (never had one in my whole ****ing life). I ****ed a few times, but the same goes with the masturbating, i instantly feel nothing (even while ****ing) after the orgasm.

So wassup?

(also, i talk a certain way since that is how i thought myself english. VIA MOVIES, and television, and videogames.) i SPeak german, english, Dutch, CHinese mandarin and like to educate myself.

So dont judge please

22 years old, male