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Originally Posted by pegasus
Just wondering Myers, what exactly would you do if you were free to be you. You said you feel you are a social pariah, what would you do if you weren't pretending.
It seems to me that you hold great angry within yourself but are afraid to let any of it out. Anger is just an emotion like any other though can feel very intense. Are you afraid that you would do something really dreadful?
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I'm not sure what I would do. I'd be like a kid at a candy store in a theme park on Christmas day. First of all, I'd stop hiding. To a certain degree, I mean. Most of my mimics are subconscious, and I can't control them if I wanted. Then I'd find a suitable lifestyle and career, one in which I can use my unique abilities and mindset with free reign and without fear of persecution should my colleagues discover my true personality and intentions. I wouldn't have to uproot and move every time people started getting suspicious. I wouldn't have to deal with that tone of complete and utter disdain from the media. But that's a fictional world. I can hardly even imagine it.
I do hold great anger within myself. I'm not afraid of doing something dreadful while in a state of rage. I have and felt no remorse for my actions, obviously. I am afraid of not being able to control it, specifically not being able to control it and being persecuted for dreadful actions I committed as a result of that lack of control.
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Originally Posted by TheByzantine
Perhaps your wife helps you define your role to better fulfill the needs of the family.
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That's an interesting speculation. I hadn't thought of that.
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You speak in terms of creating a reality. If you wife is unhappy, you may need to create a better reality. If you do not play your role well enough, your wife may leave. She likely will grieve and you will not.
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But it's not real, regardless. And maintaining a perfectly crafted facade for extended periods of time is not an easily achieved endeavor.
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This may be superfluous. I added it to see if I could get a better grasp of how you control your world.
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I don't fully understand my controlling nature yet, so I'm afraid I can't accurately describe it. I do believe it is an inherent part of my personality, as I've always been like that. It is irresistible and an obsession, as I am more than a little distraught when I don't have control over a situation or person on which I have focused my attention. It also often involves coercion. As to what drives my controlling nature, I haven't the slightest clue. I'd imagine, however, that it has a lot to do with the way I perceive the world: as a game, with the people and situations in my sphere of influence acting as the pawns and other such characters. With that comes the mentality of "play or be played." And, if I'm not in control, I'm weak.
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Originally Posted by lynn P.
I think it's fine if your wife/kids love you but you can't feel it in return. If your wife is happy with this arrangement knowing this isn't a choice by you, then it's fine. It's better than her knowing you don't love her because she's not lovable but you could have these emotions for another woman. Many marriages are based on convenience/fondness rather than the strong emotions of love. If it's works for you and your wife - what's the harm?
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I thought the same thing. I mean, she's happy. Kids are happy. They're getting what they need and often what they want. As am I. Seems like a good deal to me. Why, then, does everyone tell me to leave her for her sake?