Wendy, my Dear friend.
I have a lot of feelings as I read what you have written. One of the first things I want to tell you is that I learned there was not some cosmic lets get wise thing going on when I paid attention to my friends who were going through horrible things, none of which any of them deserved. Life happens. I am sorry life has been a little too happening for you.
Getting assaulted is a big deal. I made a choice a long time ago to not work with people who had that capacity. I also suffered a head injury and it scared me plenty.
I learned that I could be valued in my work. That there is a concept such as Right Livliehood" {SP} We need to do for work what our hearts drive us to.
I also have learned, but not mastered balance. We have to let our whole selves be. For me it meant finding a creative me. That me has been in hiding for a while but... I see you are that creative soul. I personally have an opinion that may or may not be warranted, get the heck out of Dodge, (group home). Maybe do work that is geared toward your creative place, arts, crafting, teaching. Start workshops in schools. Be a traveling Artist in residence.
Financial woes stink. I do know. Find things that make you feel good to do. As for cars. Well, if it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all. But I have a friend who fixes for me as I am able to pay. I have also bartered.
Medical bills, are you eligible for assistance through your hospital or state with deductibles?
House falling apart. I have always been intinidated by maintaining my home. However I have 2 great male friends who explain to me how to do things in detail, promise they will rescue me if I mess up, and tell me I can do it. I have done plumbing and wiring and tiling and drywall. You can do it and for me I feel satisfied that I am able. Though not always ambitious.
Your mother's tapes are running in your head so you have been running away from them but I can't help but wonder if you have stopped and listened to your own voice? What does Wendy want? Is there a way you can simplify? You like being good at things, that is clear. What are you good at and how can you feed your soul?
Back to the car thing. There are organizations here who will help with buying cars for work. Sure, your income is too high but if you sat with an intake person and looked at bills vs. income you would surely qualify.
Also, there are good people in the world who will help you find a good used car and keep it on the road as long as you pay regularly. I have come across a few in my life time. Be careful and follow your gut. Don't find a slimy business.
If there is anything the universe is telling you, it is to slow down and make decisions about how you want your life to be. Student loans are never worthless if we have speant the money learning. Learning is essential to growth.
On guilt, yep, got that one good. Your kids are young so here is what I will offer. If I had to do it over I wish that I had listened to my instincts more, got caught up in the pressures of letting things happen less and been more available emotionally to my kids. Tell yourself you do the best you can. You give your best. Don't sweat the small stuff like bangs okay? I did that one to myself, they called me egghead.
and last but not least, do everything in your power to simplify. Here there are places for recycled appliances, even FREECYCLE where people give used stuff away. You probably have one in your area. Credit cards are bad news. Use them as little as you can and either pay them off quickly or do the bankruptcy thing if you are drowning.
Oh Oh, not last. I know you love your critters, I totally get that. But are they adding stress to your life? Would finding them the right loving homes take the pressure off? Think about it. I have not for one second regretted my decision to let my herd of angoras go. They are in good places and maybe someday will be a better time.
This is long, I am sorry. I feel greatly for you. I would love to be your neighbor and come make soup for you and the kids. You need to do things that feel good to you. Be well sweet lady.
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