holy bat crap....

believe me... i know many austrians and dutch, it's not vanity, it's a semi-cultural je ne sais quoi.

tallguy i think many things can lead to how you feel and it does make sense based on your history. The thing that struck me though is that you've created a sort of fortress of your life and mind (no one can change my mind on things). Life isn't like that and it's bound to lead to unhappiness in some way or other. If it were possible to live that way and be happy more people would and then less people would do "irrational" things like fall in love.

you are meant to walk in this world and this world isn't perfect, and neither are you... stop trying to be perfect, stop trying to adapt to overly high ideals and routines. At the end of life no one measures how well we stuck to our diets of how we kept our houses. There is no award of happiness for being the most fastidious about organizing your life and habits.... it seems to me you keep everything so tightly run that you aren't allowing yourself to connect with the part of you that can feel the less "controlled" emotions.

you need some time to just BE... without rules. Eat something messy in bed... stay in pajammas for a whole day... just let yourself be free

i think right away you'll go into warden mode and start chastizing yourself, but why? what for? Where are these ideals written down as somehow better way to live? How do you measure a better life? id suggest measuring it by love and friends.

learn to be good enough.. not perfect

take a lesson as well from eastern philosophy about strength... the chinese say the willow is the symbol of strength because it bends and does not break. Being rigid leaves you brittle and you will eventually snap under the strain. Learn to go with the flow and let yourself be fully human... not some ideal.. bend, don't break.