In my case 2b1 I have always been the one helping friends. I have spent my life trying to step up, and not wait to be asked. I won't ask a friend "Do you need help paying for dinner?" I'll say "Hey I want your company, don't worry, I'll pay for dinner."

I've never thought that the friends for whom I do things for "owed" me anything in return... I give for the joy of giving, not for barter. But I have always believed in a sort of Karma, and that if I ever needed anyone or anything there would be someone there to help me out... not necessarily the people that I helped, they might not be in the "right place" to help out right now, but I always thought that in general, being a good person, or trying to do so at least, would keep me in a good circle of people who help each other out.

As for reaching out right now, there is nothing that I have to offer... and I don't mean that in terms of low self esteem, I mean that right now I am so broken, sad, scared, and in-trouble that the only reaching out I can do is to ask for help. I don't have anything in me to "give" right at this point in time.

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I should say that for some reason I feel really lousy this evening. I felt noticably better yesterday, and I felt good in the partial program today. But when I got home I got all grumpy... My anxiety is back this evening. Some unpleasant thoughts which were gone yesterday for the first time in a long time are back...

I'm not saying that I don't appreciate that there was a change yesterday... I do and it gives me hope. Just mention it because the place I'm in right now is darker again, and that is probably reflected in my posts...