I feel overwhelmed

I feel I have no purpose

I feel ashamed to be with my kids- I have missed out on so much of their lives

I am too anxious and depressed and tired and in physical pain to be around them

I miss the past so much- everything I do reminds me instantly of how I did the same thing in the past without being like this and it is such a painful remembering and i want to go back to that time

I feel rejected by an entire society- all the friends and people that were a part of my life because I gave up my life and dove into my husband's where his friends and family became mine solely and I am not close to my family anymore

Since the divorce I have NOBODY and feel so worthless but keep remembering these people and things we did etc

I am ruined because of the divorce

My kids are the only things getting me through a little but I keep having this dreadful feeling of feeling myself in the future when the kids are grown and I am all alone

And I only see them every 2 or 3 days and that is devastating still

I force myself to be with them, take care of them, take them places, do things for them and with them and seem put together but inside I am fallen to pieces and extremely depressed and have an overwhelming sense of impending doom where I believe something will happen to me any second and in front of them, I feel such a sense of sheer terror while I am with them

I always feel like I am messing them up and I have no confidence in how I am raising them or treating them and I always think I am making the wrong decisions and doing the wrong things

And then I have to see everyone around me who have nice lives with a husband and a social group and people around them that make them feel worthy and good about themselves and safe

I feel so alone and unsafe and terrified in this world

I am taking the kids to the zoo today but I am sooo exhausted and tired and feel I will pass out and die and the whole time I will be terrified and worried and very depressed about the future and past

Everyone needs at least ONE friend around them regularly, you know.

And I tried so hard to make friends but NO ONE wants to be, why should I be the one calling them or suggesting things 3-5 times before I get the hint that ok, they don't want to

Most people with kids at my age of 36 have their lives set already and they don't have to start ALL OVER and if they do they don't have a debilitating fear of aging and dying

I wish some meds would help even a bit