First link prettymuch sums it all up. Indeed no middle ground, that is also what the book of 5 rings is known for. (the 12 rules and subsets)

Well i can relate to all things. One thing it doesnt mention the feeling of controll. I have always avoided fights, because i am afraid of what i might do to the other person if a fight does happen.

Thank you for the links, quite informative. Its hard to reflect on what is wrong with yourself, so reading a article that give a nice summary is always helpfull.

Anyway today i made a big decision which i guess is best for me all my friends here in vietnam tell me its the best option for me.

I wanted to go to holland to pick up some clothing (stay 1 week), and go back to vietnam which would cost me $1750,00

A hard decision to make but i was glad all my friends helped me out, and i think in the long run this is the best.

Thank you again for the links, great, clear read.