(((((((((( Zoo ))))))))))))))))))) I am SO sorry you are in this kind of pain!
Sorry I didn't post sooner - haven't had much time on PC due to working this weekend - :-( But sending you TONS and TONS of hugs!!!!

When I was doing my truama work, my heart hurt and my T said I was "flooding"
He said it is a part of trauma healing.
I had to write T e-mail - sometimes two or three an hour!!!!
I would NOT have been able to do the trauma healing work without him being right there for me - even though I knew he could not reply to most and would not even be able to read most of them.... it was not about his part of the work - I H A D to get the poison out of my system as I was in agony.

Truama work is not the same as any other depression or spiral.
It is agony and a fever of the soul that only a survivor who has done it can understand. It is that painful and that bad.
It is a pain that made me realize just how much I was wronged by those abusers.
It is a pain that my heart literally breaks open when I know others who are enduring their own trauma healing.

But my T was right (he surrvived CSA as well and did his own trauma healing - still doing some of it even after 20 yrs!) - He told me that was the hardest part and it would not last forever.

You ARE doing it.

My heartfelt advice is to give yourself room and space and time to go deeply into the pain and feel what is there. That is the only way to process THROUGH this stage.
You need to be in a safe place. I put myself in my bedroom and locked the door.
I would wail and cry and scream for hours at a time - sometimes while in a flashback... sometimes with a memory... and sometimes just because I was in agony.

But while it felt like it would never end - like I was at the end of the world and my soul was on fire - I was indeed able to find that the sky could not rain forever. Eventually the tears slowed down and the pain faded. I saw hits of the sun in my heart.

I am still going through some rainy days, but thankfully the sky is just threatening most of the time rather than a thunderstorm on my soul. And I even am finally starting to have a few hours of blue sky!!

You CAN do this.
You are so much stronger than you know or can feel right now.
And the people who did this too you deserver to suffer in agony .... in ways I can't even describe. I hate them for what they did to you.

I am not sure if my words will help you at all because I know when it is that dark inside, it is hard for anything to make sense. But I send them to you from my heart and soul.