Going to work very hard on making a coherent post here, because my brain is not at all cooperative in that department today. The last couple of days especially has been the return of spells of those...pangs, I guess you could call them, where dread, futility and isolation are seeping in from the sides. I'm always afraid that means going somewhere, and not a good place. Also have had substantive anxiety and some degree of visions of demise. Also wishing it could be like in the cartoons -- get clubbed on the head and knocked out to not have to deal with being me.

This morning I woke up. Didn't want to get out of bed (that part's not unusual). Mind was swirling, but very fleeting. Negative, but I couldn't really get ahold of anything or keep a train of thought. Really couldn't tell you what I'd been thinking even a few seconds earlier. Had a few revelatory moments even, though I only remember one. It was that fear of going anywhere, and how it's not just a fear but a palpable reality, like under attack from the light and god-forbid being seen at all, because I can't bear it. Ok, so where was this going? Struck me that it is like a vampire. The light starts to come up, they throw their arm up protectively and make for the dark. Not all the time, but spells of it are reappearing. And that I worry that... how might I go to an appt. or for help of any kind. Would I be able to drive? I'm usually not at all afraid of driving and in fact am a really good driver. But sometimes my mind is so overwhelmed and unfocused, I'm afraid of being a spaced out danger. (Did make it out yesterday, to a crowd even. On the way home, a neighbor got on and said hi and I didn't recognize him at all. I hate when that happens, though it has happened with people I see far more often, and that is worse. Very disconcerting. Not to mention the neighbor thought I was a stuck up weirdo, especially as he had been of assistance to us less than 2 weeks ago. Yeah, did put it together upon approaching the apt. complex and caught up to apologize.) Will also go out today for a bit. Not to a crowd though.)

I'm aware that I'm completely overwhelmed in every facet, but trying to not think about it, or just one thing at a time. I suppose that's good, but my subconcious still knows. So back to the thread title... Everything is so jumbled. Can't put a finger on it. Vague futility, but also irritable. Not over the top rage, but definitely a grumpy bear. And kind of paranoid. Yeah, that helps. Or, I think it is, but maybe it's real and I just can't bear to think that it might be.

I (finally) have an appt. in a week and half with a PMHNP. A large part of me is relieved, though it's a pretty far distance. Another part of me worries that because I've had so very little access to mental health help, that what I know officially is the tip of the iceberg and there is more lurking that they may find. I have held back. Or, not being asked directly, wasn't inclined to be the one to bring things up. And what if I _really_ don't like her? I've already beat myself to a pulp making a zillion phone calls and fallen through the safety net.

I have no idea what to put on my mood charting. Up? Down? Both? So flippin' confused and unfocused I don't even know. The word 'unravelling' keeps coming to mind, but that's not one of the choices. Somehow still managing to present a facade, but getting very worried how long it can last (it's coming and going, but the teeth are out and it's starting to gnaw). Literally cannot afford to unravel right now.

Not even sure what I'm talking about. Just freaking out I guess and can't remember the pieces long enough to put it together. Do have another issue, but will make another post. This one's mess enough. (Btw, I invented the term 'Dominoes in a Blender' awhile back to describe when my mind gets all jumbly and swirling. Feel free to borrow it if you like. Credit me though (just kidding) as I'm beginning to think it will be my one claim to "fame". Good grief.)