tallguy, children from difficult backgrounds often develop patterns of behaviour that are perfectionistic and focus on various means of control. For some, that comes out in eating disorders, for others it's avoidance of situations like relationships. I think, from what you say about fearing yourself ina fight, that you are so fearful of losing control that you block yourself from attraction to potential partners.

we can have responses and reactions to things that come from a feeling or experience without still having that same feeling. I have anxiety responses, for example. They began in anxiety as a young child but continue as an adult when the feeling of anxiety is no longer present - it is conditioning. Growing up is conditioning in various forms, hopefully good and healthy, but when it isn't the conditioning can result in mechanisms that do not work so well.

children of anorexics often have food issues, with a number of them becoming obese to compensate for the parent's lack of eating. Kids who see parents exhibiting a lack of control may well become overly-controlling in their own lives.

i don't know a lot about the 12 rules... but i know that one rule in life seems to transcend everything - love. Love is the basic goodness that exists in us and between us. I don't think you are vain at all, in fact, whether you openly know this or not i think you actually don't love yourself enough. A person who controls themselves to extreme degrees, without middle ground, is denying their basic human nature. To hold to ideals rigidly is to try to force the universe to function differently than it does. It doesn't allow for mistakes, failures or just the process of learning.... and it doesn't allow for forgiveness.

if you feel compassion and other "soft" feelings toward your friends, do you feel them toward yourself?