Hi, I know I have issues with sleepwalking. I have had my husband tell me of "blow out sex" that we had one night and how I "moved across the bed like a large cat" and how he had never seen me so seductive.(I was asleep adn have no memory of it) I had talked to him about many things, but never told him about Tiger Lady adn the Little Girl. They lived only in my dreams....I thought.
I have lost time on occassion. I have come to my self in an area I did not know where I was or how to get home, while driving.
But today was different. I have been wrestling with a reprssed memory that is trying to surface. My husband and I were driving in the truck, we were talking about it. I told him some things that happened when I was quite young. I was telling him that i decided that Dad was 2 different people at a very early age.
I told him that sometimes he was "Dad" adn I loved him very much. But sometimes ( most times) he was "The Monster" adn that it depended on his mood and the way he acted, but mostly by the look in his eyes. And how much his eyes scare me.
As I said that, it was like someone reached into my chest adn grabbed my heart adn squeezed it to a standstill. Then held it for a second adn released it. The sudden pressure caused and explosion of light in my head....like everythign fired at the same time. My eyes were closed adn all I could see was this bright light, no shaows. I was immediately dissoriented adn dizzy. I layed the seat back as the light fasded and when I closed my eyes, it was the normal darkness one see when they close there eyes, but it was like I had felt something at the very instand it happened. There was no pain. I could not talk about anything. I just grew instantly silent adn waited.
I felt very odd. My chest was sore, but not "hurting". I took my anxiety med at that time adn leaned back in the seat. My heart was still beating fast and irregularly.
It was like someone grew angry or scared that i was talking too much and shut me down. For about and hour I did not feel like me and had no memory of what I said that triggered it.
I sat in the store in a rocking chair while my husband shopped. He would come by and ask if I was holding up ok. Then make another round. My body felt strange. I had no feeling. I could feel my face, that was about it. The rest of my body seemed to melted into the wood of the chair. I was unable to respond to anything except to say, "Mhmm." or "I am ok". That is all that I was able to say. I was instantly mellow, when this happened, and no thoughts were rolling around in my head.
I cannot fully explain it, but kind of like looking out through someone elses eyes and in a dream. Like being someone else, but not really. Does that make any sense?
I know Tiger Lady...she is pushy and aggressive adn protective and hostile.
I know the Little Girl, she is afraid and hides and is quiet and timid.
But i have no idea who that was. I have never had that happen before and it was a shut down protective thing. Like when someone is emotional and the person taking care of them goes into a remote activity adn humming some soft tune adn not real emotion showing.
My husband told me we were heading into town adn we could talk more on the return trip, so I could be safe at home if it happened again. I obliged adn on the return trip I asked him what I ahd said that triggered the episode. He told me, that the last thing I said was "I could always tell by looking at his eyes, they would be different." & "his eyes scre me".
I have also had some of my poetry published on a website. I put many poems there adn then for some reason I stopped subscribing adn 2 years later decided to check out the website. When I logged on, it was up and there were two poems on there that had been submitted a couple of months before adn I ahd written them....I know they were mine by the style, but more so by the content....it was about having and alter.
Any input would be greatly appreciated, as I am new to the aspect of the PTSD.
Sory for rambling on, thanx guys.