Okay, so, tomorrow I have a friend coming over and staying the night. I'm doing alright so far, but I know the stress is going to come soon. He is the first friend I've had in my house in 3 months, and the last person only came over out of pity. He is also perhaps only the second or 3rd friend I've had in my house this year. I never have visitors. So I'm no good at having people over. I also have had issues with people just being IN my house because of my trust issues. I'm not as bad as I was, I used to get in a total panic just having someone in a different room in case they started going through my things. I still stress about it but not as much as I did.

Because I barely see people, I've really begun to lose my social skills, I just don't feel comfortable. That's one of the really frustrating things, I get so insanely desperate to have someone acknowledge me, call me, visit me, invite me out, but when I do make plans I start to feel 'maybe I don't really want to see anyone after all'. I think it's because I go from one stress to another- not seeing people for months at a time, not feeling wanted or welcome, feeling like a failure, to how do I come across, do I look bad, do they like me, do they want me here.
The person that is coming tomorrow has invited me with a group of friends on Saturday, I don't know HOW I'm going to manage with that. The last time I went out with more than one or 2 people was 6 months ago. Mostly I've been thinking about how I LOOK, is my stomach still fat, is my hair going to be bad, is my skin clear enough, what am I going to wear that makes me look as good as possible so I'm not too ugly, plus the all the usual things like my teeth and ears. It's not even for another 5 days and I've been thinking about it for 2 weeks. Plus how I'm going to come across, because I do have a habit of become quiet and awkward around certain types of people.

The other issue that is stressing me is that my friend is a guy, and I've been getting increasingly uncomfortable around men. The last person who came over (and I think I made a thread about that too), was making me uncomfortable. He had found out the night before about a lot of stuff, he questioned me for an hour over the computer until I finally just came out with everything. He is a nice guy and really decent, he just approached it the wrong way by trying to make me sit next to him the whole night because he thought that's how I'd get used to being near guys. I spent the night on the other side of the room which made him try to make me sit next to him even more. Just thinking about it makes me uncomfortable. The last time I sat right next to a guy while watching a movie they started holding my hand, and I could have died on the spot, I've never been so horrified. I feel so silly feeling that way, it should be a normal thing, but for me I can't handle it.

This guy who is coming over tomorrow, we've been friends for years, maybe 7, and we've been closer over the last year or so. He broke up with his girlfriend, so now we see each other more. he is one of the most decent people you could ever know. And I think I used to have feelings for him, but that was when I barely saw him. And he told me he used to have feelings for me too. I doubt he still would though because I've been so down over the last few months and always having some boo hoo story to complain about (but I probably only tell him because I know he actually listens and won't disappear like other people do).
He does touch me a lot though, like if I have a hair in my face he'll brush it away, or he'll fix my clothes for me. I don't really know what to make of it, whether he's just being a friend or being a guy or I don't know. But it makes me feel uncomfortable because he's a guy and he's touching me. Last time I saw him we were talking for about 2 hours before we saw a movie and I told him I don't like intimacy or when guys try to touch me, and he told me he won't touch me or try to hug me anymore unless I go to hug him first. He's not a sleaze.

He doesn't know a lot about me, just little things. I told him recently a little about why I don't drink, and he apologised for all the times he's offered me a drink and said he will never do it again, and he will only leave an open invitation when inviting me out where people are drinking.
I know he's a good catch. But I don't like him in that way. At least not once I started seeing him more often, and just alone.

So anyway, I just needed to vent about it all (as it 'tis what I do best of course!). I'm sorry that I'm always complaining about something, I don't have a lot of people to talk to...