Lauru: can completely relate though sorry to hear your feeling that way. Glad to hear your safe and not drinking/ misusing meds.

Vj: Glad to hear your feeling better even if its not up to par its better than feeling worse and being able to cope sometimes is an insurmountable task so WTG you! =)

Me: Today is just SSDD.. I am doing horribly, called my pdoc today to tell him I was out of Ativan and almost out of my samples of Seroquel and was having to come completely off all my meds due to my finances. Just talking to him was an accomplishment in and of itself as I have never really been able to do so in person. Was glad he called me back, he said he would get a case mgr to call me and see if she could help with the meds.

I am starting to feel desperate. I am unwanted where I live or at least I feel that way. My family is so scattered and not talking to each other I feel unwanted there too. My tdoc found something better and left me, again unwanted. This board is the only support I have and its tentative and fragile at best. Certainly not the caliber I need...

I just feel like not only would I but the world would be the better for it if I wasnt in it. I am tired of hurting and being alone in it. I am tired of seeing every sign that this is not the world for me. I am tired of waiting for my disability even though it hasnt even been 3mos and I am under the impression the wait will be considerably longer with the risk of never getting it. What happens then? Tired of worrying about what to do and where to be. Tired of living off my friends and feeling taken advantage of just because I cant contribute financially. Tired of not having anyone to talk to about the things in my head or anything else for that matter. I didnt mean to let my tdoc open me up that much where now I feel the need to talk about stuff (or maybe its a want).

I seriously just want to come up with the courage to finally commit the ultimate act but I cant even decide on a method and my friend has used up my back up plan (bottle of morphine). Now all I have are surgical blades but then I worry about her kids finding me and all the mess that would make. Considering hanging but again where and who would find me? I could go crash my car but I dont want to run the risk of hurting anyone else or of living and not having a car or being paralyzed or something.

Thought about going to the residential treatment center my tdoc gave me the number for when she left but then what do I do with my dog and my car? I cant just abandon them and be alive to deal with that knowledge. I would rather be dead anyways.