Wow Mel, that was a very hard post......

Sitting I can totally relate to what you are saying. It takes a huge amount of courage to finally share some of those deepest secrets with your therapist.

My therapist actually used the word resistance with me but not in a negative way. She used the word "fear" she said we often resist what we are afraid of....it's not that we don't want to do something, it's that we are afraid of the outcome. I think many people who have spent most their lives having to hide deep secrets and having to PRETEND things were ok are struck with this resistance. Because to come out and said anything could have ended with traumatic results.

Hence a big reason for resistence....... not knowing the outcome and fearing the results because of an old story that we still carry within us.........

I can be very resistant with my therapist but I'm not doing it to make her life miserable (or mine for that matter), I don't ask her for anything, she is always asking me what she can do for me. My answer most often is "I don't know, I'm ok really" because I am afraid of being dependent on her because of how independent I had to be my whole life. It's very far from wanting her to cater to me.

We all have our own life experiences that affect each of us so differently...what may mean one thing to someone else may effect another person totally different. Sitting, I think you have been doing a great job at working with your therapist. You keep going back because you WANT a change and I am sure if you look back to when you first started, you will find ways that your therapy has had an effect on you for the best.