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Aug 03, 2010, 10:54 AM
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Member Since: Jul 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 1,946
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oh sod it, heres her reply 
Dear ......
You try very hard to keep those two parts of yourself separate, because it feels so dangerous to you, but if you could manage to bring them together a bit more you would feel better in the long term I think - it must be exhausting keeping them apart, and also it's hard to operate with only half of your capacity. I think it goes back to the moment of being put on the sofa, because your mother wouldn't risk upsetting your brother, and therefore put both of you at risk emotionally. You needed her to hold you and understand that you were confused and distressed and make sense of your world for you, and when she didn't, you shut down in self protection. I think that's the only way you could survive her - we know that she never helped you make sense of your world, even though sometimes she would give you a distortion of it.
Yes it hurts - because you're holding all that pain inside, instead of making sense of it - and the only places it can go then are into physical pain or projected out, only to come back ten times worse.
Love,
xxxxx
see a reply helps me make sense of it and doesnt repeat the original abandoments I experienced
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