((moonrise))
Welcome!
I do believe that you can integrate the two parts of you...the client and the therapist. I've not been in your exact position, but what you describe about feeling split is very familiar to me. In my own journey, a very kind an caring T helped me to heal from trauma and grow into a new person. It can be scary, because it requires giving up the seeming security of old personas, but ultimately it is quite empowering.
That same T who helped me heal and grow, had his own life struggles. As I got stronger, I got to the point where I could tell when something was going on with him. It was difficult for me not to be able to help him, after he had helped me so much.
So, if I can offer support to another T, it would be an honor. I'm glad you took the risk and came back!