I'm here for the need to vent, I apologize for the half a novel this is going to be. I am beginning to realize that I'm someone who needs years of therapy if I want a chance of finding real love. If such a thing exists.

Again I have a huge crush (obsession, even) on a married mad. Something must be profoundly wrong with me. I don't even remember the last time I've had feelings for a guy that's actually available! My best quess is, that married guys are just safe. Firstly, someone has wanted to marry them and successfully done so, which means the guy must be the kind one wants to spend their life with, and that he wants that with someone too. Secondly, since they're already taken, there's really no "risk" of me having to commit to anything, even if they did cheat their wives. It's like I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to be with anyone either. Or don't know how.. Then again, I have a whole lot incommon with this man, he's real funny and nice, and it's like amazingly easy to talk with him etc. So it's not only my disorders that are attracted to him.

Because of this crush, I have this constant inner battle inside my head, the other half of my brain is like this silly schoolgirl, who totally reads too much in to everything he says or does, and tries desperately to find hints and meaning behind it all. The other half is more like the real me, saying to the girly half, that it's being retarded, and none of mean ANYTHING. Anyway, I don't know if he has feelings for me too, or am I just being delusional.

Here's the thing, we have hung out "just the two of us" for quite a bit, me and him. I use the quatation marks, because we're both dog owners and we've only hung out with dog related activities. Just without other people, like his wife. He has asked me for walks we've gone swimming together, and to train agility aswell. Well you can imagine what the schoolgirl brain thinks of him "asking me out" like that, the realist in me says though, that even if I might not think that's normal, it may be so for other people, and he's probably just the type that has plenty of female friends with whom he hangs out without he's wife. He has chatted with me on facebook quite a lot as well, sometimes I start the conversation with some convenient excuse, but he's done so too (though I can't claim his conversation starters to be excuses) and then we might have kept chatting like for two hours. Anyway, it's almost physically painful to keep going over everything he has said and done all the time! Here's an example of the inner dialogue I'm having with the dreamer and the realist in me. Which one is right?? (do many people have disagreeing brain hemispheres??)

Dreamer: He said he's generally not a big fan of being sensible, the same night we had updated our fb-status to hint that the reason we don't make initiative because of our sensibility. It could totally mean he thinks things don't always have to make sense and we should just go with the flow!
Realist: Oh shut up, he couldn't possibly have understood that from what we wrote in our status! Besides, MEN do not drop hints (nor do they get them), if he wanted us, he'd do or say something.
Dreamer: But he is married! Haven't you heard that some married guys don't fool around unless it's the woman who makes the first move, then they can reason to themselves, that it wasn't their fault.
Realist: But he isn't like that, don't you remember he also said that life is simple, if you don't make it complicated. That OBVIOUSLY means, that he wouldn't cheat, because keeping secrets and sneaking around is the very definition of complicated
Dreamer: It doesn't necessarily mean that, it could also mean he thinks the simplicity is to just say and do what you feel like, and not complicate things by over analyzing and following some arbitrary rules and moralities.
Realist: Most likely nothing he has ever said has meant anything more, than what it is. You read way too much in to things
Dreamer: But what if I'm right and you're wrong? Do you want to risk losing his interest by being so ******* thick? He's bound to get tired with it sooner or later. People have different levels of patience, and you could be on the very edge of his!
Realist: I'm not wrong, but even if I were, what the hell am I supposed to do? Do YOU think I should risk humiliating myself by making a move and having him look at me like I'm some sort of desperate looser and ask me something like "what the hell do you think is going on between us? You do know I'm married, right?" ....???
Dreamer: He wouldn't say that, I bet even worst case scenario he would atleast be flattered.
Realist: Even so, if I can't be sure of him having some feelings for me, I don't want him knowing for sure I do either. You can't take it back you know, once it's out there, he would always know. I'd be embarrassed.
Dreamer: Well we don't have to let him know for sure, we could just flirt a little, to test how he reacts. Not so strongly, that we couldn't pretend it was just a joke if he didn't take the bait, but not too subtle either. I bet he'd like to get a younger woman's interest. And even if it didn't go anywhere immediately, we could start reeling him in little by little. Who knows, maybe his marriage isn't going so well anyway. He's in the perfect divorce age and everything!
Realist: But WHY would he be interested in ME. It just doesn't make sense to me, I'm not very attractive, not particularly smart or witty, nor do I have an easygoing, fun personality..
Dreamer: Beats the hell out of me, but obviously he's atleast somewhat attracted, I've caught him looking. And he wouldn't bother hanging out with us at all, if he thought we were totally boring.
Realist: All (straight) men look at boobs if you put them on display, it doesn't mean anything. And he probably hangs out with me only because he likes me as a friend.

...and then I start feeling like I'm getting a brain aneurysm.

The few friends I told about this are totally making this worse, by rooting for the girly half of the brain. They say (and I find this odd since they're all engaged or whatever) that him being married is not an obstacle but merely a speed bump. They would interpret his sayings and doings the same way that the girly half of me does, and they too think that I should try and flirt with him and see how that goes.

Sigh.. If only people could just say what's on their mind. Wouldn't life just be so much simpler!