Aura, you are a wonderful being and no one has the right to treat another in such a fashion, especially a parent. I do NOT believe children are born bad or evil. You have tried to live as a good man, then you are a good man.
The little boy is the one who is scared adn having a hard time. I hope you have someone close that you trust and I hope you are in therapy. If not, that is where I would start. It really does sound like PTSD. Please take care of yourself, you deserve it...as much as any other person walking this earth.
I hope you can find some relief and peace from the fear. and many safe !!!