So it's time to be truthful again. I don't want to do this, it hurts me like hell to disappoint the people I care about and I hate being disappointed in myself. For the past few days, I've been hiding under this shield and saying I've been clean from drugs. That's just not so... I think it's time I get brutally honest with myself and the people around me. It's time to start getting real.

For the past week in a half to two weeks, I've used every single day. I've used Ice (meth), I've used benzos (Valium and Klonipans), I've used opiates (Lortab), and I've smoked crack cocaine. I was told a little over a month ago that I no longer had to take drug tests at my rehab meetings because I'm now in aftercare and it's not required of me any longer. I went to my meeting tonight and things got real... REAL quick. They popped out a drug test and I had to take it if I wanted to remain in the group. I tested positive for Amphetamines, Methamphetamines, benzos and opiates. I had no idea what to say or do... I wanted to curl up in a ball and die at that moment. Everyone was disappointed in me and everyone was telling me I needed to go to more meetings. I have a LIFE, I can't go to meetings every single day like some people can. I refuse to make time for a meeting every single day. I have other things in my life I deal with. I go to at least 3 meetings a week and that's more than plenty. I got very defensive towards the instructor of the group because he walks around gloating and giving himself praise on being clean two years all the time and then when someone fails a drug screening, he pushes it in their face that he's still clean and if he can be clean anyone should be able to do it. Anyway, after an hour of talking and me crying, I got my ***** and I left.

I'm not using to have fu**ing fun. I'm not using to reach this wonderful high because I know from experience I will never reach that same high as I did the first time I used. I'm using to numb out emotions I don't want to face. I'm using because I've lost 15 pounds in this past month and I need to lose the weight and dieting wasn't working. I'm using because I'd rather use and hide that from my parents than cut on my body and my parents find out and lecture me on how harming my body only makes it ugly. I'm using because I'm not at peace with myself. You have no fricking clue how bad I want to quit using. Everynight I lay down and pray to God, "Please let me wake up clean and sober. Let me wake up with a sound mind and you guide me through the day.", and every morning I wake up fiending dope and am physically sick until I get it. I'm a fu**ing junkie and I know I am. Do you know how that makes me feel? I stayed clean and serene for TEN MONTHS. I did everything I was supposed to be doing. I was doing what my sponser at the time suggested I do, I went to meetings, I read up on NA stuff, I went to NA events other than the regular meetings, I stayed away from the people, places, and things that could bring drugs into my life, I did everything I was told to do. WHY would God pick me to do this to? Where's my shot of serenity? When do I get to live happy, joyous, and free again? When do I get to go up and get my one year chip? I just don't understand it anymore. I've tried so hard yet failed so bad. I'm wondering if it's even worth it anymore...