well I have not been back here for a while due to lack of internet access...anyways I was going to college but I dropped out about 6 months ago because I could not sit in the classrooms for more then a half hour before I would start feeling trapped and like the walls where closing in. As for familly members they just don't really seem to take it seriously which is odd considering I attempted suicide at the age of 15. But yeah I feel like i should talk to psychologist so I can get some sort of diagnosis because I'm a little sick of being treated like someone who makes excuses and overexagerates to get out of things when that's not really whats going on.

I've kinda been putting it off though which is not good because things are getting worse. sometimes I find myself acting really confrontational and aggressive, which is totally opposite of how I am its like something within just takes over while I'm in a detached state unable to do anything about it. Then when I come out of it or whatever I don't even understand how I could be capable of such behavior. It concerns me because it could get me in trouble or killed like if something sets it off and I end up provoking a fight with someone. Also I keep having suicidal thoughts that I don't want to act on but I feel like someone in the back of my mind is encouraging me to do it......Its like something In my mind is doing whatever it can to try and kill me or at least make my life hell. I also recently lost a job due to rather odd and unproductive behavior which I was lied to about. I was told I was doing well but they did not need me any more which was fine with me until I heard from family members that the people in charge of the job thought my work quality was going down hill and where disturbed by how I acted but didn't want to hurt my feelings by being honest. I am really frustrated about all this and I don't even know what to think.