(((((Zooropa)))))
My heart aches for you.
I'm so sorry it is so hard for you right now.

When I read what you wrote about therapy not helping and you feeling worse, the thought came to mind that maybe a good analogy is someone who has cancer. They may feel fine before they are diagnosed, and then they have to go through chemo and radiation which makes them feel AWFUL, like they want to die. Like the 'cure' feels worse than the sickness. But when the treatment is over they can survive and live a long, healthy life.

It is so hard to see the big picture when you are at the bottom of a black hole.
There is light somewhere and you will get to it eventually even though it may feel like it is a million miles away.
Your T sees the light and we see the light.
You can get there and you can survive this.