(((((((((((((Zoo)))))))))))))))))

Therapy made me feel sooooooooooooo much worse before I got better. When I went to therapy, I mostly felt numb, occasionally happy, or stressed out. Those were (very literally) the only feelings I had (besides the underlying fear that I lived with).

When we processed the trauma stuff, all of the memories and feelings that I pushed away for years and years were righthere in my face. It was overwhelming. I barely functioned for a while, and almost ended up in the hospital at one point. It was hard for me to do anything - buy groceries, do school with my boys, etc. I felt like I had destroyed my life. The only thing that kept me moving forward for a while was the fact that I liked T and I knew there were two hours each week when I could try to get some of the poison out of my system and be taken care of a little bit.

I really didn't know if I would survive either. I started therapy in November 2007 and started talking about one of my traumas in the first couple of months of therapy. I finished telling my story a few months ago.

I did learn, over time, that no matter how much it hurt, I would survive it.

I had to find things to do that kept my attention but didn't give me time to think. I played so much guitar hero that I beat the game and was the envy of all of the teenage boys we know That was honestly what got me through all of this early on.

I am SO sorry that you have to go through this, zoo. It's not fair. Feeling this stuff IS how we heal. You ARE doing it, and you're surviving it. It really, really, really won't feel this bad forever.

During times when I was in the most painful parts of the trauma crap, I SO wanted to just KNOW how and when I was going to feel better, but all we can know is the moment we're in. But I *always* found my way out of the darkness eventually, and now I only have to go there occasionally.

You can do this, zoo. You ARE doing it. Hang in there.

Be extra gentle with you