Hi Bama,
I can feel the pain and anguish in your posts. I have a bit of experience with that...*S* Let me share a bit of what I have learned. Hopefully some of it will be helpful.
You know I always get cracked up when someone tells me what a strong person I must be to "conquer" my problems with alcohol and drugs. Nothing could be further from the truth--I conquered nothing-I could NOT fight it. Recovery began when I realized I could not fight it and admitted my defeat.

Self-knowledge never helped me. I read the Big Book while I was drinking--merely reading the words did nothing.

You were embarrassed because you were caught. Forget the instructor, forget the other folks in the class. OK, you fooled them for awhile. So what?? It's not about that. At the end of the day its still your face in that mirror.

Take a look at what you are willing to do. Some of your recent posts seem to indicate that you could have been fudging a bit on that.

Take care of yourself....