Hello Cindy,

I tend to agree with Perna. I think you need to talk to a therapist about your feelings. What you went through must have been traumatizing to you. It sounds as if you relive those moments over and over. You say that you've been living in fear for 15 years, that's an awful long time to have that on you. You've been waiting for the other shoe to fall, all of those years. What an awful burden that must be. And now here it is. As big as life and real. The one thing you've been trying to hide from for 15 yrs.

I can't imagine what it must have been like to have gone through what you did. You must have been very hurt. I more than certain that it was hard on both of you. Most transgendered people suffer most of their lives in terror of expressing anything about what they experience. It's very confusing to them as well.

Could it be that your feared meeting up with him, would bring all of these emotions out? Could it be that you were never able to grieve properly for your loss, and it turned into fear, anxiety, anger, and sadness? It must be all in there. Was there any abuse from him? All of this must be dealt with, and guess what? You don't have to do it with him at all. If you don't want him in your life, he has to respect that. Even if he's approaching you at this moment, after 15 yrs, to say that he is sorry for hurting you. You have the control over who enters your life. You may not be ready now, or ever, but that is for you to decide.

I could relate to your story. I was in a relationship with a drug addict. No one but a few people knew about his addiction. I'm not suggesting that being a transgender person is the same as being a drug addict. There is not similarity, other than it's a secret to mostly everyone but the person and perhaps to a few others; that's where the similarity ends. But that is where the connection is as well.

So I lived with this person who had this awful addiction to crack cocaine, and like I said above, had you met him, you would never be able to tell. He was good-looking, very handsome. Very popular, and gregarious. Yet this dark side of him loomed over the relationship. We were together for about only two years. But the abuse, both verbal and physical, the stealing from me, the lying, my ending up in an emergency room with a dislocated jaw and on and on... it tore me to bits. I went from weighing a healthy 155 lbs. to 120lb or less, buy the time the relationship was over, and I ran for my life. The crazy thing was that I was still in love with him. There were several attempts at reconciliation, but it would always end up the same. Until I finally gave up.

I was alone for a few years after that, until I met the man I'm with now for almost 8 years. Who is everything I always wanted in a partner. I had told him about my previous experience, and he understood why I was going through the motions of this new relationship so slowly. He's very patient, and just a wonderful person.

I am very happy with him. But during all that time, I was terrified that I would run into F, let's call him. I harbored that feeling because I didn't know where he was, but I knew that he lived in the same area as I did, and thought that inevitably we would run into each other. As the years went by, and my partner and I fell into our routine and our relationship grew, we even moved to another state so that he could go to medical school. After all of that, I still couldn't shake the underlying fear that one day I would run into F.

Then one day, it did, it happened, there he was! But not as I expected, it happened on Facebook. He sent me an IM. I was mortified, I didn't know what to do. Ignore him? Turn off my computer and run away? I had PTSD from the relationship, so I experienced the whole relationship right away, in just is few seconds. I was ready to run away, but instead, I decided to take care of the problem right then and there, and I replied to him, saying that, "I was not ready to talk to him, and didn't know if I ever would be. But I would appreciated his not contacting me again." In two sentences, I took that scary monster that had been chasing me for several years, and wrapped him up and sent him on his way.

I heard from him again several months later on FB, but again with the same feeling of taking care of myself, I repeated what I had said to him, adding that I was not going to pretend that everything was alright. That I needed to heal, in my way, at my speed. What I was doing was taking my power back! My anger toward him subsided, now if I see him on line I don't flinch like I used to. I simply don't have contact with him. I feel sad about what happened, but I'm not letting take control of my life. Not anymore.

That's what I hear from you. You want to take your power back fully, but have not formulated it as of yet. It's not that all transgendered people are bad. In fact after working with many people of all types of sexual orientation, including transgendered people, I know there a lot of love in just about anybody if you look for it. Your avoidance of anything transgendered is really you trying to stay safe from "this guy". I don't know what happened between the two of you. There's not enough information, but the information that is in your post says tons about the pain you went through.

He caused you that pain, not other transgendered people. Only he did. Perhaps he wants to make amends. It's not up to him when that happens. He won't take your power from you, unless you give it up. You have the controls here. If you don't want him in your life...it's not written anywhere that you have to abide with that. Incidentally, you say you have a lot of gay friends and don't discuss sexuality with them. It's good of you to respect boundaries. Many people don't. But I hope you understand that being gay is not the same as being transgendered. It's two totally separate worlds. I'm gay, but don't feel as if I'm a woman stuck in a male body. That's what makes us different. That's what makes transgendered people different from all of us. They have a condition sometimes called body dysphoria or Gender Identity Disorder. It is a real condition that many people suffer from. I only use the word suffering, because to them they are suffering. But that enough about that.

I just want to let you know that situation like these, don't have to send you over the edge. All you have to do is take care of yourself. Take care of your relationship, and your life. Your ex will certainly understand that. If he doesn't, it's not your responsibility to explain to him unless you want to. I know the pain, but I also know it will pass, if you allow it to.

Wishing you inner peace.