I guess I'm ok right now....I don't know.

At first, I was feeling pretty good about expressing myself so openly to T, so that he could get a better understanding....so I succeeded in that.

His response, though, was a bit unsettling....I'll repost it here:

MUE,

Your recall of what led up to your apt. and what took place during it gives me a much better appreciation for where you were and how you were affected. I wish I would have known this at the time or been better at helping you express it. I have a very strong sense of what you are feeling right now toward me.

* * *

Although it seems as though he is taking part ownership of not knowing, I know quite well that I am the one who has to speak up and tell him what I'm feeling. He's not a mind reader. T knows that I am able to express myself more openly in writing, in the safety of my own home, after giving myself time to sit with the feelings long enough to be able to accurately describe them. I don't believe I would've been able to tell him in such detail how I was feeling, face to face. I guess I'm just disappointed that when T came on so harshly on Saturday, that I didn't stop him and tell him what I needed from him. I was too shocked at what I was hearing, seeing and sensing from him that I just sunk....

At the same time though, I'm trying not to be too hard on myself. He is the professional...and I am sure many, many clients aren't able to express themselves so openly and honestly...or even recognize what it is that they want/need/feel....and to not even give it a chance - responding to my recount of events on Friday night - with such distaste....is on him, not me.

I am hoping this will be learning lesson for both of us. For him, perhaps to be more delicate towards clients in such a state of despair....and for me, to be able to work harder at recognizing my feelings and building up the courage to express them face to face. So hard tho.

Weighing it all out, I think I done good....