I am asking for wisdom or help about dealing with Bipolar Depressions and the ongoing flip of the coin between suicide and not suicide.

I have Bipolar, Panic and Anxiety Disorders, PTSD and some OCD thrown in and I'm also an 11 years sober member of AA. I was a blackout drunk from 14 to 32 when I got sober in AA. I am very much at peace about my alcoholism because when I hit Rock Bottom I went to AA did the drill (still do) and I've been sober from day One. A huge achievement considering alcoholism cuts through my family like a knife through butter.

But I don't have the acceptance about Bipolar Depression particularly as, despite being a 100% compliant patient (with the best meds mix I have ver had and HUGE dosages which I do need), working my guts out in therapy and seeking spiritual solutions I get some periods of relief, I start to to think maybe this is what life could be life and then I relapse again and again and again into the deepest Bipolar Depression, daily ideation (I tried to suicide two years ago and nearly succeeded - coma etc) absolute mental torture.

I am totally honest with my psychologist and psychiatrist about how deep the depressions are and how I would be very happy to take my life but that I simply REFUSE to live a life like this in the long term (I now know I have been sick since childhood with Early Onset Mental Illness and that's part of the reason I drank so dramatically from 14 - and I'm 43 now). My psychologist came to my house for our session yesterday because I have been so sick and when we were talking about this she said, "Wendy, you have a chonic lifelong mental illness and you WILL experience these episodes of deep Bipolar Depression". She is right, this is the very problem I am grappling with. This is the deepest of human suffering and I have all my cards on the table in terms of what I can do to help myself but I keep getting so very sick.

How can I find acceptance when this is an illness for life? I sometimes feel that I'd like to just cut to the chase and end it - stop all this fruitless hard work, including from my excellent psychiatrist and psychhologist.

As a rider to this I am under immense pressure at the moment with some complex legal.finnacial/medical issues and I have been given a Notice to Vacate right in the middle of all that, I have no-one to help me with all that except the love and support I get from my medical team and that is juxtoposed with profound loneliness after my permanent and necessary separation from family and one long term friend. Also, my psychologist said there are other things I can do but she hasn't told me what.

She is so concerned I'll suicide (I thought she's say this) that she canvassed doling out my meds daily and I told her that if that happened, or I was committed against my will, that would be the absolute end because I have been robbed of so much self determination and it soul destroying and degrading. She seems to really undersatnd what I about with that, which is good. Anyway, another day n Paradise.