Wendy, That is the nature of the illness and that's what sucks about it. No matter if you are the best patient on the earth, taking your meds, going to therapy, abstaining from alcohol etc. etc. it is highly likely that you will experience episodes. It sucks.

I have felt the same way you do, I am completely alone financially and if I have another hospital stay it will bankrupt me. It scares me. I also ended a long term friendship (almost 20 years in length) this year and haven't spoken to my parents since May out of self preservation (child abuse in my background).

I have had that same conversation with my P-doc and therapist saying if this is what my life has to offer I don't want it. In saying that I have had good times and though I still suffer mood swings, I am getting better at managing it. I'm glad I wasn't successful in my attempts and I do believe that we all have a purpose. Some of us will have harder struggles then others and when I was initially diagnosed I was pissed. I felt I already "paid my dues", but life doesn't work that way. I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone in this.