Thanks BlackPop, problem is that it does get better, I get a bit of hope and then I plunge plunge plunge in an endless cycle of torment - been happening for years - no matter how hard I work on everything - all I DO is work hard on everything. I've decided NOT to see my psychologist tomorrow as I'm actually sick of talking in the endless cycle and getting nowhere - that in itself is torment. It feels good now I've decided not to see her on Friday as Self Determination has been taken away from me in so many different ways due to my illness and taking the wheel sometimes makes me feel like I have a modicum of a life. And, fact is, as wonderful and loving a clinician as she is, psychiatry and psychology aren't helping me. I have a wonderful psychiatrist and psychologist and here I am for the Xthillionth time right on my arse. They may help me scrape by by the seat of my pants on an ongoing basis. But this ain't a life by any means.

I feel I'm at a point where I've gotta either pee or get off the pot. So I'll keep exploring spiritual lines (always do) and see what happens.