You guys are SOOO awesome. I just love straight talkin' and keeping it real with no platitudes or patronising and even just the acknowledgement of how bad it really is for some people. I'm very much at a nexus as many of you may have been. I had an horrific childhood like most of us but I "pulled myself up by the bootstraps", got an education while working and built an absolutely fabulous career and owned my own home (with a mortgage) for 14 years. I was blackout drinking through most of this and also had the undiagnosed and untreated mental illness. I'm sure that the hypomania/mania helped my career for years as I could channel it to a certain extent - but of course any control like that eventually ends and the moodswings are unmanageable - mixed states, rapid cycling, relentless panic and anxiety the high highs and the low lows, working in a high pressure career (PR and Communications) for years on little sleep. I'd breakdown and have to leave a job but would always pull myself up and get a BETTER job, promotions, raises etc. This went on for YEARS.

But three and a half years ago I got booted out of my job as I was so unwell and wasn't able to pull myself up like I had so many times. I'd been sober for about 8 years and thank goodness for that. But I haven't been able to work since. I find it very torturous to watch news and current affairs and I see Government Ministers, CEO's and Managing Directors I worked with, kicked arse on major projects with them, did great things and they are kicking on, partly because of all the media coverage and other PR I got them and here I am sitting in my loungeroom like a shag on a rock in this horrendous state. It's extremely painful. (My psychologist suggested not watching any news or current affairs but I am so isolated and disconnected from society as it is - that would not be a good way to go) I've progressed alot in casting off a lot of the ego stuff around my career, but I SO miss the intellectual stimulation and yes, the feeling of a job well done. I still try though - I just recently got some media for a small local business that had a big fire months ago and have just started up again (just for free) - that's just a little thing compared to what I used to do - major Communications Campaigns, but it still was good). They weren't very thankful but that was a good exercise in just doing something and not expecting thanks in return - I got my jollies out of doing it anyway.

I do accept that people can create whole new lives after losing a previous life like that, but these bloody deep bipolar depresssions make it so difficult. I tried to go back to work last year, melted down within a few weeks and had to resign (I have a rockin' Resume and can get a job easily but can't walk the walk anymore). I started back at study this year (we go by Calendar Year). I did pass the first subject but had to bail as I couldn't handle the bizarre (but too common) dysfunction of the admin and interfaces with the University. I book social or cultural or volunteer things in the town I am in and have to bail bail bail because of relapses. All this is crushing to the self esteem.

I am fortunate that I have many passions and interests, although they have been lost to my illnesses. But there is a platter of Life out there for me that I can pick up, only if my limitations weren't so limiting (??!! lol)

It's good just to be typing this at 3.00pm Sunday because Saturday was slightly better but I have plunged again today. Thanks again for all your welcome thoughts.