Hi blueoctober! I should probably elaborate a bit (even though it's a sidebar, as you'll see below). I'm mid/late 40's, and despite many many jobs over the years, have had only one full time job, one job with benefits (same one). I've never had a paid day off. Or even a chair. They've been minimum wage realm, usually hard, physical, on your feet jobs. So, far from high powered, they suck the life out of me not from demands on my life, but from sheer exhaustion and the worry of how I can ever keep this up as I get older. And from the dearth of people to have a half-intelligent conversation with. I cannot really conceive of the term "career", not having done any one type of thing consistently or for more than a short while.

BUT, most importantly, I really regret putting the whole job thing in the post. Since that is something I'm trying to deal with bigtime right now, it got in there, but it's a rabbit trail, and I realize now it obscured the point of my post(!) (That happens a lot for me.) (But got back to it too late to edit out.)

(I have a weird relationship with fear of the unknown. I have a history of making huge, life-altering leaps with nary a clue what is on the other side. Solo adventures, cross country/cross ocean trips, but then afraid to walk outside sometimes. Yeah. Weird. I will be seeing a PHMNP on Tuesday, which is both a relief and a dread. Rumination. Yes. I've tried the STOP thing with occasional success.)

So really, my real question is about distinguishing paranoia from caution. There are instances where paranoia was probably in high gear (like thinking my ex was going to poison me, even though it's totally not his style). Those times, when against all reason, I get a thought and can't let go, sure that it is somehow right (and in that instance, being afraid to eat), and won't even speak it, being so sure that I'm right and can't let them know that I know. But there are many other times when the line is blurrier. When people laugh at the things I'm convinced are suspect, it makes me wonder if I simply don't have a very good set of bearings in this area. Is there some kind of checklist or something that can help me sort it out?