Hmmm. Posting is good. Thanks for helping me work out exactly what parts are of concern. It might seem obvious, but I usually have too many thoughts going on to express it well, that is, um, get to the point.

I don't think people are talking about me. (That's good! ). I'm far far far more likely to feel invisible. Which in some sense, is real. But that's a whole 'nother thing.

Was just looking up some definitions of paranoia. While I don't think people are "out to get me", I do often feel that the universe is against me. But NOT because it has any focus on me, just that I don't seem to have the whatever it is that it takes to negotiate the universe very well. Like I missed getting in that line.

Where I seem to get more confused is in definitions like, "Paranoia is an unfounded or exaggerated distrust of others, sometimes reaching delusional proportions. Paranoid individuals constantly suspect the motives of those around them..." (but w/o the "out to get them" part). Yeah, that applies. Now, thinking about it, the above may play into this. Being aware of my lack of skill in "negotiating life", I do distrust others, worrying that I'll be taken advantage of. When I see the energy people put into strategy and planning, I feel like a piece of fluff floating down a river with no idea where I'm going. I've seen those "reality" shows and they completely horrify me. While much of their behavior is despicable (by most everyone's standards), there is a grain of truth in the social manuevering that so many people do do. It is so alien to me, yet I know it very much exists, so yeah, I do distrust people/situations. Heavily. Like I'm totally out of my depth in what are considered pretty normal situations.

I definitely have big issues about fearing information will be used against me. But at least that one has some basis. I learned early to keep my mouth shut and not reveal anything that could be used to hurt me. (Lol, are we starting to see why diagnosis took so long and how much trouble I have being thorough with admitting symptoms? ) The only reason I'm pretty upfront here is the anonymity factor. And even then I can get freaked out sometimes.

Anyway, I'm pretty well starting to see that most of my paranoid thinking isn't clinical per se. So I guess it might be more accurate to say, "Where does caution cross the line into unfounded or exaggerated?" Is there a measuring stick?

(PMHNP is Psychiatric Mental Health Nurse Practitioner. They can manage/prescribe meds and tend to see you for a more extended time than a P-doc would. Less training, but also less expensive. It's my only real option at this point. But I've heard good things in general about them, so we'll see!)