BY ACCIDENT POSTED IN THE WRONG SECTION BEFORE...

helo everyone i am new here. i am a 22 yr old female. after hours of researching i think i finally found out what my issues are. Ive never went to a therapist or phyc. but i know i have disassociation or maladaptive daydreaming. (you guys have probraly heard this before but) my bigger problem is now i am about 90% sure i have OCD not of rituals but of bad and disturbing thoughts related to this disassociation.

i am very embarrassed to tell ANYONE these thoughts (even a therapist) but i can tell you they are horrendous thoughts of bad bad things... sexual things (nothing normal) but not many images but more of repeating the words in my head.....also violence and thoughts about death of loved ones in a bad way....it started with words now i have new thoughts and each one is worse than the last one. this started about january of this year.

it is hard to concentrate and i have another fear that i say these bad thoughts out loud (even though i know i dont) or that someone can hear my thoughts.

if you knew me you would know that these thoughts do NOT define me, i am one of the most non-violent, nicest, silliest people. matter of fact, these thoughts are everything i hate about the world we live in. i love my family and friends these thoughts are not how i feel about them. and i know thoughts create reality and have tried replacing them with good things but they do not work. i find when i am depressed is when i think the the most.

i have thought maybe i am evil or a really bad person but i know deep down im not. i just want them to go away for good. i cry all the time about it, i have such inner turmoil i dont know where to begin. i think im crazy. but not in the mental disorder way, in the i think it would be better for me to die before it gets worse or i act upon them way even though i know i WILL NEVER do that. i find these thoughts to be repulsively disgusting. i feel demented.

please someone help, i'm scared & i seriously contemplate suicide daily i feel like i hate myself but i know i just need help. i just want it to go away so bad and i want to normal what is happening to me.