Little bit of an update and a plea for advice.

We're still good friends, still in "like" as it were. But we are getting closer all the time. Slowly shifting more and more into something bigger.

I'm giving away way too much. I guess I like to keep it in tidy little boxes: Real Messed Up Thine and Fake Happy Okay Thine. He gives me the real him (my God, I love that) and he wants the real me... and it's so easy to give it to him. I am so much too honest with him. It's scary. He still doesn't know anything really, but sometimes I worry he either suspects or might start to.

I am terrified by our closeness and yet I want to be closer. But I can never, ever take it back if I tell him. If I let him in, I can never undo it. There must be somebody better for him. Someone who wouldn't hurt him like I do when I just can't be happy. But he won't just give up on me and leave. I could push him away... but that would hurt him so much. And I can't hurt him... I never, ever want to hurt him. But either way I will, it's too late now not to.

What do I do?! I read his texts and I cry because he is so much too good to me. This should make me happy, right? Why do I feel so much pain just from being cared about?

When I told him I was afraid, he said he would protect me. When I said I was running away, he said I could run to him. He tells me I am beautiful when I feel so ugly. That I am good when I feel so bad. That I am smart in my own way, even though the truth is I'm dumb as a stick. He says I am the best thing that ever happened to him and that he doesn't know what he would do without me.

For a long time I didn't believe him. Sometimes I still don't. How could anyone mean those things about... me?

And even if I wasn't starving for attention... would I still love him? Do I even love him now? He's by no means perfect. He annoys the heck out of me and then he does something I absolutely adore. And if I do let us get closer... would that even be fair to him with all my doubts and problems and family crap? Would it be kinder to just end it before I totally crush both of us?

S--t. Just s--t. Why did I do this?! Why did I get close!?!?! I am such an idiot. I can't tell him everything, I can't tell him nothing, I can't leave and I can't get any closer. Everything is cornering me. I have a whole mess of family and church crap I'm trying to escape from at the same time.

It's going to fall apart, but where are the peices going to fall?