As I can see it, you are puting the blame on God. You said how does He allow this to happen. If you're not the problem, there is no solution. Tonight in a meeting, this man said he had hard time believing in a God that could let this happen to him. So he said, "If there's a God, then He'll stop me from using." He's been sober 10 years since. You say you have a life and you refuse to go to a meeting every day. What life? Getting high and hiding it? When you were clean and serene, how many meetings did you go to? What lengths did you take to stay sober? It worked then. So why can't you do it now? 3 meetings a week and you're using. So that doesn't work. What kind of life will you have if you keep using? This life you so desperatly want that you won't go to a meeting a day must be pretty good. You don't want to loose it by going to meetings, so you're going to loose it by using? I'm not disappointed, I'm scared sh*tless for you. 90 in 90 is not a myth. Why not try it again? Just do what you did before. You know how, you know the tools. So pick them up. Please.