Life continues to go on, regardless the pain it inflicts. Not knowing where to go. I come here, as if to just rid myself of all that I am sensing from within to somehow be able to, after all is said and done, to sleep, which means nightmares and flashbacks all too real these days.

I am caught running away, again, and brought back to a home that was more prison than home, less love and more controlling than compassion. Silent cries stream down the walls of my heart again, as time and time again pain inflicts itself upon my already tender body. But the pain is on the inside, and I cannot understand how my body can take blow after blow and still remain in upright, though in shattered ruin. Seemingly impossible odds that life has ended for me cross my mind. There is no path to get out of the way of the pain. It follows my every movement, and I am tossed to and fro, trying to get away from it. We do a delicate dance, but it seems to always twist the dance to the pain it wants to inflict. Far from over, it skirts around me time and again, waiting for my guard to drop down so it can wound the inside of my heart again. I do not understand how the wounds reach deep within, yet at some point I DO understand the depth of pain. Afraid to move, but more afraid to not to, I try to run again, away from those that say they love me yet inflict pain upon the tender open wounds of the heart.

Within someone cries, giant gulping cries that tear at the heart in a different way. Wanting to hold the child that is crying, we search but cannot seem to find from which direction the crying is coming from. Elusively it cries with the voice of a small child, and we wonder why this child is crying at all...not knowing it comes from the one who holds the pain that all the littles know but none can tell, for it is a secret pain...a pain for all those who cannot, or are afraid to, face the pain itself and be rid of it once and for all...

what is happening is not new, nor is it controllable...it comes and goes whenever it pleases, to wreak havoc and leaves us bruised and breathless. getting the desired result, it laughingly disappears while we are waiting for the next shoe to fall. We do not know it had come and gone like a sudden downpour.

Can't you hear the pain I am telling you about? Can you not hear the tears falling on my heart? Can you not feel how fearful I have become? Can you not see it in my eyes? What must I do to let you know I am afraid, and seeking the only thing that can truly help us? Can you not accept me for who I am, and for what I cannot be right now?