Most of my friends moved out-of-state this summer, so there isn't really anyone to "keep an eye on me," so to speak. My life consists of work and sleep and little else. I live alone with my cat, so there isn't anyone I see on a daily basis at home either. I don't know who I would tell.

I fear that my best friend (who is in another state until Sept) would tell others out of genuine concern for me and fear for my well-being. As much as I want to, I can't tell her. What it boils down to is that I don't think the people close to me would understand.

I'm not entirely uneducated in regards to medication. I am a healthcare provider, and have completed some training in psychiatry. I am familiar with how the various medications work and so forth. Even so, going against the recommendations of my psychiatrist was not a decision that I took lightly or made impulsively. For MONTHS, I practically begged him to reconsider my regimen, but he wouldn't budge. Finally, I carefully considered my medication list and picked and chose which ones I would eliminate, which ones I would keep, and which ones I would adjust the dosing. I have not abandoned medications entirely... just greatly reduced the number and dosage.

I will be meeting a new psychiatrist in the beginning of September, and hopefully he will be more understanding and respectful of my desire to stick to a minimalist approach. Although I would LOVE to not take any medications, I realize that that may not be realistic, considering my history of severe depressive episodes. (I'm BPII, so I've never been fully manic or psychotic... the depressions are the real problem for me.)

*sigh*

As I said, so far things are going fine. I'm having nasty withdrawals from the Lexapro, but on the whole, I have more energy than before, my thinking is clearer than before, and my appetite is much less (I gained 30 lbs since the new year). I didn't realize how drugged I was. At this point, my only regret is that I didn't make these changes sooner...

I just wish I could tell someone.