i know the feeling a bit. When my nana was dying i went up to see her. It was awful and I didn't stay right until the end because i had to go to work. But i was glad that I got to see her right near the end. I didn't feel much then,but a couple of weeks ago I was looking at a photo of her and thinking about how lovely she was. I loved her and I was glad to see her on her last day.
However my aunty died a few years ago and we went to the veiwing. It was something that I wish I hadn;t done now. I burst out laughing hysterically. i was so ashamed. i walked away and then tried to look again but the laughing started again. I ran out of the funeral parlour. I think the people who owned it would have thought that I was such a horrible person. I didn't think it was funny it's just that i reacted the opposite to what I should have. that night I couldn't stay alone. I had to have my friend sleep over for a few nights.I was terrified. But i think that it was also related to my anxiety. I can still sort of picture what she looks like and it's something that I try not to think about.