Emerald,

I understand some of what you are going through. It has been with in the past few months that I have been exploring and learing all about ADD. I had never read about it and always thought it was just something kids had. Well, one day I was talking to a girl that i worked with about some of my problems (symptoms) and she asked me if I had ADD. I didnt know what to say, I denied it at first then went home an got onto the net and started reading. The symptoms and problems accociated with it It fit me to a T. I felt relieved that there was a name for the way i was. I always thought I was the odd ball. I enjoyed elementary school, except the fact that my Dad died when I was in first grade, I stayed back that year. I had quite a few friends, but I always was getting into trouble. I bet there wasnt a year that went by I didnt almot get kicked off the bus. At school i was refined, and acted "somewhat normal" as soon as i got on the bus I would talk loudly, jump seats, and was out of control. After that middle school was a joke. Bigger school, and alot more kids. I dont know why I had very few friends, nobody could understand me, i was picked on all the time, beat up, verbally and physically abused. I justed never fit in. I was always friends withthe "geeks" or "bad kids"
Never could i focus on math or reading. to this day i cant do division, or multipication without a calculator. (pretty bad eh?) I just didnt care to learn. It never interest me. I hated middle school so bad, I was depressed all the time, i gained alot of weight, and my self esteem went to an all time low. I would often cry at night, dreading the next day at school. I changed schools for highschool. I enjoyed it much better, everyone more mature and I had a good majority of friends, not neccessarily good ones though. I started smoking cigarettes as a freshman, then shortly after progressed to to pot and alcohol. I felt it eased my depression, made my life more desirable for me, if I was drunk or stonned. I somehow managed to graduate. By the skin of my teeth. I wanted to go to college, but always procrastinated to sign up, and was too nervous to take SAT's, fearing i would faill miserably. I hated myself and hated the way i was and nobody unuderstood that, I was overweight and depressed. I way always jealous I didnt look "hot" so that the girls would be after me, instead of the star quaterback. to medicate my depression I would party and drink and smoke pot. I just partyed all the time people thought i was just a party animal. I have been outof highschool for 4 years now. I have a good job, but always felt i was on a different page as everyone else still. I have lost some weight not the right way though. Shortly after high school i found efedrine. I was popping diet pills containing it daily. for about 2 years I would get up take 2 pills got to work, take 2 more at lunch to get me through the rest of the day. Not only were they making me lose weight (which i liked) i had TONS of energy. I could get 3 times the amount of work done if i was all strung out on efedrine and caffeene. I would go home at night and smoke pot to calm me down and eventually pass out, then start the day all over again. I did that untill they banned efedrine about 2 years ago. Now i still have an adiction to caffeene pills, but it is not as bad as I used to be. I have learned it is just about as addicting as cigarettes, which I still smoke. I take them as i need them to give me a boost. I will eventually lay off them. sometimes It makes me have what think are mini anxiety attacts when i totally lose focus and just need to get up and walk away. When it is stressfull at work it makes me lose focus i get frustrated becuase there is so much going on i cant focus on i single task because i try to do many at a time and get overwealmed. It happens daily. I should go and get diagnosed, i have read a lot about his. I have many of the symptoms, depression, distractability, and financial issues. I like to spend money, especially by credit cards. I am about 26k in credit card debt and I am only 23. I look around my house and say what the hell have i bought with that money. I have a impuse spending problem. I see someting i want, i go an buy it. If i cant afford it at the time, i make with come up with some way to charge it on a card or take out a loan. I have just actually realized that my financial problem could very well be a part of my add. I have been looking at my life in a whole new way ever since i learned about Add. I am enrolled in a credit counseling program that I hope will help me out. My first session is tomorow. I hope they dont say i should file bankrupcy. I could sell my trailer, but then where do I go. Back to my parents house? It is really depressing me lately, im glad i made the call to the counseling service. It is just a small part of the whole problem with my life. I have become VERY independent, and sometimes find it hard to see myself in a relationship. I work a 2nd shift job and am in financial ruin, single, recently self diagnosed with ADD, and am very depressed about it all. Depressed about my life, where it is right now, where i wish i was right now, and still i possess a low self image and esteem. I probobly need professional help but am scared to see anyone, fearing what they say. So i live my life in a vicious cycle of high's and lows, good days and bad. Lonely at times, but sometimes happy that i dont have to deal with anyones else. I am getting older and have felt like that since Highschool. People wonder why i have never had a steady girlfriend, but i just get so afraid of commitment, fearing i will get let down, insulted, or screwed over. I probobly need depression medication but dont know what I need, and always procrastinate making an appointment. I like my pot. It relaxes me, but makes me think way too much about stuff sometimes. and i still drink occasionally, mostly only on weekends, but not driving, since my DUI last year.
I wish i was was diagnosed ADD long before now. I know its why I never had many friends, I was too shy to meet new people, always being nervouse what they though of me. It's odd for a guy to be this way, (and I do like women) but I am always too worried what they think of me that I cant even get a relationship started. But i have always been shy to meet new people. And when I do I never can remember there names, and while they are talking to me i am always wondering whet they are thinking about me. Or oif something else is on my mind i will drift off and think about that while I am looking the peron straight in the face and nodding my head like i am hering every word they are saying, when i really am not even listening. That happens daily for me. Even with people i know. My mind always drifts. this is the way i am. I have come to live with it for the most part. I have ALOT of bills, but they are all paid on time, I have a good job, and I give off the perception in social settings that everything is ok with me. Most of my friends think im crazy when i talk about ADD. I dont care what they think. I know the way i feel and thats all that matters to me. It has taken a long time for me to realize that but that is the way it is. Not sure when my life will ever change, if it ever will.