I have tried getting through to her, but they have moved a lot across the country. Further, when I did try to get her info for rights as a renter, he created a scene (don't want to go into all that but I have pages of notes about it). He truly is bizarre in behavior and very controlling. If we do drive to visit it's 6 hrs. drive and we don't get any private time with her, he is always there. He takes off work if he knows we are coming. He seems to be barely working again. Last week we saw them it looked like he hasn't shaved in days and he appeared to have not slept at all. We cannot figure out what's going on. Our daughter definitely acts like life is just normal - but I think she is hiding her pain and predicament. We will remind her again if she ever wants to get out that we can be there for her. I also gave her the number of a domestic abuse shelter years ago, but she said she didn't need it. At least she has his parents there, I think they pay a lot of the bills. My daughter hasn't worked in 9 yrs, but wants to be a nurse. The lack of stability worries me as does her daily stress she must live under. Thank you for your thoughts, I just don't know how to convince her that her life won't get better with this guy (after 9 yrs. of ridiculousness).

I want to add two other things, when I went to visit, we drove by a cemetery and my daughter said, "that would be a nice cemetery to be buried in." On the way back when my husband drove our grandson home, he told my DH, "I don't want to die." I am concerned about the random statements which were out of context. Do you think her husband has been making threats to them or the grandson has overheard threats? If our daughter refuses to acknowledge problems due to fear, then how can we convince her to go to domestic counselor for advice?

Also, after my daughter was married to him, she found out he was getting sued by another young woman for child support. He denies that child is his and is way behind on child support payments. Essentially he has four children now to support and if he is constantly quitting or losing jobs, I hope he doesn't have some kind of breakdown and hurt anyone. The issue that really worries me is that I think this guy is capable of anything as he has an extreme impulse/anger issues that seem to be simmering below the surface. He also drives like a maniac and obviously doesn't have much self-control (besides maniupulation).

We found out a number of years ago that he told my daughter that I caused him to lose many jobs, which is absolutely untrue. I think behind the scenes he tells her things which she believes to keep control. So, over these years, she is convinced we have done things and how does one address that. It's like brainwashing. She should know better since she was raised by us and knows us well.

There are so many more things, but he was also in jail before a few years back for not having a valid license. Our daughter never told us, I found his record online. She always protects him and keeps secrets due to her unwillingness to face reality and make hard choices. If he doesn't come up with money by mid-Sept, he will have to go to jail again. She never told us this either, I found the citation online. I am thinking that his parents must have paid the bills the other time he was locked up. She never called us asking for money.

He is also obsessed with racing/fame and people he knows who are wealthy. He lives in a kind of fantasy life where he wants a lot of attention. Our grandson also randomly goes up to strangers starting conversations. They say he is very social. He is, but he is also constantly telling servers and other women they are "very pretty." When people laugh this encourages more of the socialness. At some points, we think it's a little over the top, but maybe he is just that social. His father was that way with us at first and seemed extremely outgoing and charming. Now looking back, it was obvious it was a show for us to gain our approval. We never knew his family back home or his true lifestyle, because he left with her and used my car. I had to tell her to come back home with my car which they did and that's when she told me was was pg. the first time (which ended in a miscarriage). We thought she'd come to her senses after that, come home and go to college. She is academically bright and comprehension way above average. She could have done anything wonderful with her life. She wanted to be a doctor. She is also very attractive and I think he uses her for his own self-esteem and then controls her. He just has some bizarre effect on her that is really dysfunctional. How can someone otherwise intelligent person want to continue to put up with his behavior and lack of stability?

What makes *him* like this? Is this due to his upbringing, or drugs, or mental illness? His bio father is not in his life and we know nothing about his background. We cannot see evidence of drug use, but I wouldn't rule it out as far as he goes.

We honestly don't think our daughter is using anything, bc she looks physically healthy and mentally aware/friendly toward us.
You can tell how much I worry about her and the grandchildren, I have a hard time sleeping at night. Sometimes I feel guilty eating because what if her refrigerator is bare some days? Just because she is grown up now and away from us, doesn't mean I don't always worry about her. She deserves so much better in life and I don't want her hurt any more.

Thank you once again for your kind words.