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mixedup_emotions · Aug 10, 2010, 08:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I've spent 15 years with different Ts being rational and distant. It was safe but didn't get me too far. This is the first time I'm attaching in a different way, and yes, it's very scary. I thought I was attached to my other Ts, and I was, but I still kept my distance, both emotional and physical. I was obsessed with them rather than letting us be attached in a normal way. I understand about not wanting T to see you're affected by him. It's the hardest part of therapy, but I think it's where the most growth occurs.

Thanks, Rainbow.....

It's so scary and confusing....especially when these ruptures happen, and I end up all out of sorts. Ack. It's also really scary to me that T can be so gentle and caring....and then other times be a total bully and threatening to terminate if I didn't do what he felt was in my best interest. To me, that's just as dysfunctional as real life. I've had more than my fair share of craziness in life - so some distance was safe. But to immerse myself fully in the scary emotional rollercoaster of therapy - with the looming threat of him pulling the rug out from under me, etc. is just not sitting well with me at the moment.

I have a session with him on Thursday, right before going away for two weeks....and, of course, here I am wondering whether or not I want to cancel and just pick up when I get back. I'm avoiding it, as you can see....